Election 2004: Alien vs. Predator

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“Whoever
wins … We lose,” runs the tagline for last week's top-grossing
movie, “Alien vs. Predator.”

That's
also the best description of the 2004 presidential election featuring
Alien Kerry
vs. Predator Bush.

(Spoiler
alert: For those who still haven't seen this masterpiece, some plot
elements are revealed below.)

John
Kerry obviously is the Alien,
because of that protruding jaw. Whenever I see Kerry speak, I expect
that second
Alien jaw
– the one that juts out from the bigger jaw — to extend
out from the television screen and start snapping and drooling at
me.

Like
the Aliens, Kerry also is a parasite. I won’t describe how the Aliens
are hatched inside humans because it's too gruesome, but if you've
seen any of the Alien movies, you know what I mean. However, it
is less gruesome than the fetal stem cell research he supports and
wants to spend your money on.

George
W. Bush obviously is the Predator.
Imagine some Predator dreadlocks on him. Both are imperialist and
inarticulate.

In
the new movie, the back story is that thousands of years ago the
race of Predators built a Pyramid under the ice of Antarctica. They
also have created a race of killer bio-machines, the Aliens. Young
Predators come from outer space to the Pyramid to prove themselves
in combat with the Aliens, who are hatched for the occasion. Humans
are the bait for the combat and are slaughtered like mice thrown
to piranhas.

Bush
Predators have a similar rite of passage.

In
1991, Daddy Predator (G.H.W. Bush) went to Iraq/The Pyramid, slaughtered
some humans — U.S. troops and Iraqi troops and civilians — then
went up against the real foe, Alien Bubba. Daddy Predator lost.

In
the aftermath under the rule of Alien Bubba, about 500,000 Iraqis
died from sanctions. The price, Alien
Queen Albright
said, was “worth
it.”

Today,
Predator Bush faces off against Alien John Kerry, with the outcome
still being decided. Nearly a thousand American lives and tens of
thousands of Iraqi lives so far have been sacrificed to his rite
of passage.

The
movie Pyramid, where the battle takes place, features chambers and
passageways that change every 10 minutes, the same as for politicians'
promises. And yes, dear Republicans, Predator Bush flip-flops as
much as Alien Kerry. Remember the 2000 promise of a “humble”
foreign policy?

The
movie's web site even has
an election, “Choose
Your Side, Vote Now…Click Here to Vote…Tell Us Who Will Win,”

which has more relevance than the November 2 presidential election.

What
about the movie's tagline, “Whoever wins…we lose?” Never mind.

But
whatever Web creature wins the online vote, the actual movie already
decided the matter by having the humans side with the Predator.
So the movie vote is just as much a sham as the movie plot — and
the November presidential election.

In
the murky plot, if the Predators don't kill all the Aliens, then
the Aliens will swarm over the earth and the Predators will have
to nuke the planet. So the humans side with the Predators.

Put
into the context of the presidential lection, that sounds like a
GOP advertisement: If voters don't side with Predator Bush, Alien
Kerry and his Democratic Alien cohorts will swarm over the earth,
etc.

In
the real world, there's no point siding with either Predator Bush
or Alien Kerry. All of us are just their bait. As the movie's secondary
tag line has it, “It's our planet….It's their war.”

What
America really needs is what's in the top movie of this week:
“Exorcist:
The Beginning.”

August
25, 2004

John
Seiler [send him mail]
has been an editorial writer at The
Orange County Register
for 17 years.

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