Bananas and Republics

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I
must grudgingly admit that our Iraqi Adventure seems to have become
in some respects a fascinating and invaluable educational experience,
nearly on a daily basis.

For
example, today's morning papers revealed that one or more of the
prison images being shown to our august Senators and Congressmen
depicted scenes of Iraqi POWs sodomizing themselves with bananas,
a fact which led one
Republican lawmaker
to darkly suspect that the action taken
was not entirely voluntary, and "was probably coerced somehow."

This
suggestion seems quite speculative to me. From what I've vaguely
heard, sodomizing one's own self with a banana for the video cameras
is something of a national pastime, not merely among Iraqis but
for Muslims in general. In fact, one might even suspect that the
Iraqis thus shown were actually being rewarded for their especially
helpful cooperation with American interrogators.

Still,
if I am wrong and the shrewd Congressman correct in his suggestion
that the acts shown were somehow connected with the interrogation
process, it seems to indicate the increasingly multiculturalist
influences operating upon our neocon masters. After all, from what
I have read in the history books, although both the Stalinist and
Trotskyite factions of the international Communist movement were
notoriously prone to torture, the techniques they followed tended
to be rather simple and even somewhat puritanical, and I've never
heard of a single Communist regime anywhere that ever used bananas
for self-sodomy. Just as David Brooks has similarly suggested, perhaps
we are seeing a sign of the emergence of the BoCos, namely Bohemian
Communists, otherwise known as neocons.

Admittedly,
another possible explanation is simply that Soviet-style agricultural
policies left it absolutely impossible to procure even a single
banana for interrogation purposes.

On
a practical note, I would caution visitors to this website that
useful techniques and inventions once discovered tend to rapidly
propagate throughout the world. Any of you who fear that you might
someday be subjected to interrogation on suspicion of "anti-government
agitation" or even that most fearsome charge of "hate
thought" should therefore consider immediately obtaining a
good supply of bananas and commencing your practice sessions forthwith,
since although I have heard that the experience is quite enjoyable,
it is also said to be rather something of an acquired taste.

May
14, 2004

Ron
Unz [send him mail] is
a Silicon Valley software developer and head of English
for the Children
.

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