Interview With a Vampire

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A
vampire is an animated corpse that sucks blood from the veins of
the living. It is a master of deception and has hypnotic powers
to lull its victim into a state where it cannot resist an attack.
A vampire can be destroyed by driving a stake through its heart
or exposing it to the light of day…

Life
afforded me a bit of amusement recently in the form of a fund raising
call from a rather argumentative representative of the Republican
Party.

He
identified himself and then began reciting a script that was quickly
lulling me into a comatose state. So here we go:

Michael:
“Can we cut to the chase here? What is it you want?”

Fund
Raise
r: “I'm calling to ask you help us keep the Republican
majority in Congress…” Short pause for breath. ” We're asking for
a fifty dollar donation to help us finish the job.”

Michael:
“Will the Republican party swear to me that it will undertake to
protect our borders and the lives of innocent unborn children?”

Fund
Raiser
: “Those issues are not as simple as you make them sound…”

Michael:
“Yes they are — they are stone simple, ridiculously simple. Only
the politicians have any trouble understanding those issues. And
you may tell your bosses that they'll get no money and no votes
from me or my family until they start addressing these u2018simple'
issues!”

Fund
Raiser
: (mask slipping) “Those people coming across the border
are voting with their feet for a better life! What do you have against
them?”

Michael:
“Not a damn thing. But I have everything against the clowns in Washington
who make ours the only undefended border in the world and try to
pretend to me that they're prosecuting a war on terror while they
do it. No way, pal, I'm not buying it!”

Fund
Raiser
: “So you want John Kerry in charge of the war on terror?”

Michael:
“Not unless he dies and comes back as a man. But truthfully, I couldn't
care less — there is no war on terror. If there were, our
borders would be defended. I don't like Kerry, but since he offers
no alternative to Bush and Bush is a damn liar, I don't care which
one is president! War on terror my ass…if somebody wants to attack
us they can drive a tank division across our southern border!”

Fund
Raiser
: “You mentioned abortion — so how many babies do you
think will die if Kerry is elected and we lose our majority in Congress?”

Michael:
“A rough estimate would be one point two million. Exactly the same
amount as will die under the Republicans. The only good thing I
see possibly coming out of this election is gridlock.”

Fund
Raiser
: “You need to think carefully about the consequences
of the Democrats assuming a majority…”

Michael:
“I have. What are they going to do that isn't already happening?
Run budget deficits? Support causes I detest? I've already got that.
It doesn't matter to me who the figureheads are — the results are
the same regardless. I'll keep my money — that is, the money your
Washington bums don't steal in taxes!”

Fund
Raiser
: (mask slipping again, angry) “You have no idea how hard
this job is! Everyone I talk to goes on and on about these same
issues but nobody wants to help!”

Michael:
“Why should we help Republicans when they won't even defend our
country's borders? Tell your bosses that. Tell them that I, and
many like me, don't care if they lose, we don't care who is president
and we're not playing that game anymore. Give us a choice or leave
us alone. I'm voting Constitution Party when I can and just not
voting when there is no choice other than your bozos or the Democrats.”

Fund
Raiser
: (adjusting mask and clearing throat) “Well since you
feel so strongly about all this maybe you should only give fifteen
dollars? This really is important you know.”

Michael:
“I'll send you a buck every time you do something worth while —
that is, NEVER!”

Postscript:

That
was fun but the fun is over. Memorial Day weekend is upon us and
the politicians are already outdoing each other using the sacrifice
of soldiers in war to somehow justify attacking whatever foreign
country is the enemy du Jour.

There
are terror alerts all over the place and logic suggests that sooner
or later some terrorist group or another will indeed perform the
ridiculously easy task of killing a large number of Americans. This
weekend would be a logical time for an attack — at least in the
weird logic of political terror and assassination. The target of
course, is rarely those responsible for the mess we're in — it will
be you and I and our families.

Our
leaders are hopelessly inept; that so far the terrorists have been
able to achieve little has been due to the fact that they too are
fumblers. What successes they've had, such as turning Iraq into
a terrorist hot spot, have been handed to them by Seor Bush and
his merry band of crazed neo-conservatives and their liberal enablers.

With
the borders wide open it must be accepted that sooner or latter
even the most pathetically incompetent terrorist will manage to
pull of some bloody stunt or another.

Then
the politicians will claim that we should have listened to them,
that we must attack yet more foreign countries, suspend even more
civil liberties, and that all this is somehow the fault of those
of us who do not support their outrageous and totally illogical
invasion of Iraq.

Indeed,
if enough Americans are killed it will become open season on Muslims
and we'll be treated to the bizarre spectacle of Senor Bush blathering
about the “religion of peace” while his minions roam the streets
in a killing rage, stomping all over those very immigrants that
our “war leader” has encouraged to come here in such appalling numbers.

Will
Americans have the sense to put the blame where it belongs? Probably
not, but one can hope. A government that routinely involves itself
in the affairs of other countries, one that conquers and occupies
other countries, is setting America up for attack. When that same
government refuses to defend the nation's borders, knowing that
there are terrorists out there with blood in their eyes and murder
in their hearts, I say to you that government is guilty of criminal
incompetence and yes, treason.

That
government consists of two socialist parties called the Republicans
and Democrats. They should be repudiated, they must be repudiated,
or this erstwhile Republic of ours is doomed.

As
to the vampires, where's my garlic?

May
29, 2004

Mr. Peirce [send
him mail
] fought with the Rhodesian freedom fighters (the Ian
Smith side, of course).

Michael
Peirce Archives

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