"Good evening everybody and welcome to the newest and hottest reality t.v. show ever produced, ‘America Messes Up.’ And tonight, we have a special guest, Donald Trump, who will take on the U.S. government. And here he is folks, The Donald."
"Great to be here, Jay. What we’re gonna do tonight is decide who should go and who should stay in the U.S. government, across the boards, not just the Bush administration."
"So that would include members of Congress, also?"
"You bet. So let’s get it on. Let’s start with Paul Bremer. Paul, you shut down the newspaper of this militant Shiite cleric, al Sadr, I believe his name is, right?"
"That’s right Donald. Our position is we are for democracy as long as it goes our way."
"So you also looked the other way when a couple of his top aides were knocked off."
"Donald, this sort of thing is inevitable."
"Were you taken by surprise, then, when a whole bunch of his followers took up arms and attacked the American troops?"
"A little bit. It was more than we expected."
"You’re fired! Next. Hi, there, Donald Rumsfeld. Could you tell us if you think we need more troops on the ground in Iraq now?"
"That would be correct."
"Why didn’t you think so sooner?"
"Because sometimes, less is more."
"Don, I’m sorry to say you’re fired! Let’s move on to George Tenet. George, you went to Georgetown and Columbia Universities and you’ve been running the CIA for ages now. How did you miss everything? A memo said that Al Queda was going to use planes to attack targets in America, but there was no follow up, was there?"
"We had all kinds of information, but we didn’t put the dots together."
"What are we paying you to do? You’re fired! Let’s talk to Douglas Feith, the under secretary of defense. Doug, you gave the order to disband the entire Iraqi army, without keeping those who were never for Saddam Hussein, right? That left us basically alone to keep order."
"Don, I have to admit that it might have been a bit hasty."
"Bang! You’re fired! Now it’s time for Colin Powell. Colin, you made those dumb remarks at the United Nations about Iraq having all those weapons of mass destruction. Can you justify that now?"
"I can’t. It was all Dick Cheney’s fault. He made me do it."
"Get outa here. You’re fired! Hey, it’s Condi Rice. Nice to see you. Could you explain, how after getting all that information about terrorism, you devoted you’re attention to a missile defense system and not to Al Queda?"
"Donald, we all did our best. That’s all you can expect. We had no specific information about impending attacks."
"You’ve gotta be joking. Since you demoted Richard Clarke, we are going to demote you. You’re fired! Dick Cheney, so you finally turned up. What have you to say for yourself? Against all evidence, you still insisted that Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden were working together and that Iraq played a role in 9/11. On that basis, you pressed for the war. You got an excuse?"
"I still believe it."
"You are fired! Bring on your boss. George W. Bush, don’t you think your entire performance has been bush league, so to speak? During the entire month of August before 9/11, you didn’t meet with the head of the CIA once."
"Hey, everyone is entitled to a vacation."
"Take a permanent one. You’re fired!"
Jay: "Well, I guess that just about does it. There’s no one left."
The Donald: "Not so fast. Bring on John Kerry. O.K. John, you have served in the United States Senate for three terms. That comes to about eighteen years all told. Did you ever notice that nothing was working, that the intelligence agencies were out to lunch? You voted to confirm George Tenet. You voted to confirm Robert Mueller. You voted for the war in Iraq. Don’t you take any responsibility for any of this?"
"Well, Don, if you look at my record, you will find that at all times, I have ducked every single issue in a straightforward manner and have also managed to be on all sides of every issue. I think I am superbly qualified to be the next president. "
The Donald: "Well, I don’t. You’re fired!"
Jay: "Well, that’s really it. What do we do know, since no one is left standing?"
The Donald: "I’m left standing. I’m not gong to fire myself. You’ve got a better alternative?"
Richard Cummings [send him mail] taught international law at the Haile Selassie I University and before that, was Attorney-Advisor with the Office of General Counsel of the Near East South Asia region of U.S.A.I.D, where he was responsible for the legal work pertaining to the aid program in Israel, Jordan, Pakistan and Afghanistan. He is the author of a new novel, The Immortalists, as well as The Pied Piper — Allard K. Lowenstein and the Liberal Dream, and the comedy, Soccer Moms From Hell. He holds a Ph.D. in Social and Political Sciences from Cambridge University and is a member of the Association of Former Intelligence Officers. He is writing a new book, The Road To Baghdad — The Money Trail Behind The War In Iraq.