Turtles All The Way Down

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As Thomas Huxley concluded a lecture on Darwin, he was immediately accosted by a little, old lady who challenged him to refute her conviction that the world, which was flat, rested on the back of a turtle. Before Huxley had a chance to respond, the lady concluded:

"I know what you are going to ask, Mr. Huxley, and the answer is u2018turtles all the way down.’"

In commemoration of those remarks, I announce forthwith the reconstitution of the Flat Earth Society. This is the credo of the society:

  • We are winning the war in Iraq.

  • We are winning the war in Afghanistan.

  • Bush went to war because Saddam Hussein had WMDs he could use against us within 48 hours.

  • And the earth is flat.

  • Sharon fully intends to withdraw from the occupied territories and make peace with the Palestinians.

  • John Ashcroft is fully committed to preserving the civil liberties of all Americans.

  • The Saudi rulers will let women drive.

  • And the earth is flat.

  • We can have huge tax cuts as well as gigantic government spending and maintain a free market economy.

  • Midge Decter is the world’s most beautiful woman.

  • William Kristol is opposed to an American global empire.

  • And the earth is flat.

  • The Democratic Party is committed to a free market economy.

  • The Republican Party is opposed to preemptive war.

  • No one was interested in making money in Iraq before the war.

  • And the earth is flat.

  • Bush is for free trade.

  • Tom Delay recognizes that the Palestinians are humans.

  • There are wars Ann Coulter opposes.

  • And the earth is flat.

  • Gertrude Himmelfarb admires Murray Rothbard.

  • Dick Gephardt knows who Ludwig von Mises is.

  • F.A. Hayek is Hillary Clinton’s favorite philosopher.

  • And the earth is flat.

  • Greenpeace is a greater threat to American security than Osama bin Laden.

  • Donald Rumsfeld is for cutting the defense budget.

  • The Carlyle Group is opposed to conflicts of interest.

  • And the earth is flat.

  • Dick Cheney believes in open government.

  • Paul Wolfowitz grieves over American casualties in Iraq.

  • Richard Perle has no idea who Conrad Black is.

  • And the earth is flat.

  • Major League baseball players hit all those home runs without taking steroids.

  • William Buckley admits the war in Iraq was a mistake.

  • Milton Friedman was opposed to the military dictatorship in Chile.

  • And the earth is flat.

Obviously, the possibilities are limitless. Feel free to invent your own and add them to the credo. And welcome to the Flat Earth Society, an idea whose time has come.

Richard Cummings [send him mail] taught international law at the Haile Selassie I University and before that, was Attorney-Advisor with the Office of General Counsel of the Near East South Asia region of U.S.A.I.D, where he was responsible for the legal work pertaining to the aid program in Israel, Jordan, Pakistan and Afghanistan. He is the author of a new novel, The Immortalists, as well as The Pied Piper — Allard K. Lowenstein and the Liberal Dream, and the comedy, Soccer Moms From Hell. He holds a Ph.D. in Social and Political Sciences from Cambridge University and is a member of the Association of Former Intelligence Officers. He is writing a new book, The Road To Baghdad — The Money Trail Behind The War In Iraq.

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