Cigarettes and Gold

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Gold is addictive. I’ve seen it a thousand times. The buyer innocently starts out with silver, and although studies claim silver is not addictive, it leads to gold every time. Some even wind up experimenting with platinum.

~ From Blumert’s Public Service Announcement,
"Gold is Bad," December 2003

Lew Rockwell takes great pride in not owning a TV set. Bully for him — but he still wants to know what the "talking heads" are saying on Sunday’s TV news shows.

Solution? Assign Blumert to watch and report.

My Sunday starts with orange juice and Meet the Press, followed by coffee at MSNBC with Chris Matthews. Face the Nation is usually placid enough so that I can digest my lunch.

The day turns grimmer as Tony Snow at Fox rolls out one fatuous, retired military creep after another, celebrating the glories of Empire and crowing how we are winning every war in spite of minor setbacks.

Struggling to pay attention, my assignment mercifully ends as Wolf "The Blitzer" drones on at CNN.

This was the dullest of News Sundays: Hillary Clinton giggled her way through 30 minutes with Tim Russert, denying that she was a presidential candidate, and you will be relieved to learn that Newt Gingrich, who also spent 30 minutes with Russert, will no longer plague us as a politician. Newt proclaims he is now an historian, although he sounded more like a "new age" economist.

The news this Sunday was not even worth a report to Editor Rockwell, and I was ready to switch to the Cooking Channel when a commercial caught my attention. You’ve probably heard it, too.

A mellifluous female voice representing the Philip Morris Company tells us that, "There is no such thing as a safe cigarette."

The low-tar and low-nicotine varieties are useless and the only "safe thing to do is to QUIT smoking."

She continues to shock us with her public service-type message: Phillip Morris provides a website loaded with anti-smoking pamphlets and tapes. The message was clear, "Let’s stop the world from smoking." Aided and abetted by Phillip Morris.

I knew the tobacco companies were in trouble, but I did not realize it had come to this.

Then, it all became clear. A Gestapo-type fellow holds a gun at the announcer’s head as she reads the anti-smoking commercial.

The Company succumbs to the violence, relying on that hearty group of nicotine addicts who will disregard these admonitions and continue to buy and puff so that the Company can pay billions of dollars in ransom through the coming decades.

In return, the tobacco companies are allowed to survive and will be immune to harmful death civil suits.

The politicians are also well aware that these "purveyors of death" collect hundreds of millions in "sin" taxes, thus fattening the coffers at every level of government.

This goose may be evil, but its eggs are pure gold.

A friend comments, "You’re wrong about them holding a gun at her head, Blumert. There’s no need to. The defiance is long gone. All that’s left is resignation."

"It’s like China during the u2018Cultural Revolution’, where the victim dons a dunce cap and participates in his own condemnation."

"Funny you should mention China," I responded. "Today, China is slowly clawing its way to an open society, complete with freedom to smoke, while back here in the good old US of A, zombie-like-managers are telling their customers not to buy their product. They might as well be wearing dunce caps."

"I’m not trying to worry you, Blumert, but cigarettes and gold have much in common. The King’s not so crazy about either. If you buy a share of IBM, you’re a patriot. Buy an ounce of gold, and they figure something’s wrong with you.

"They just might come down on your industry next. It happened in 1933, and I would give anything to see you in a dunce cap."

He may be right, and one day a whistle blower on "60 Minutes" will reveal how gold advocates conspire to spread their message. That they hold clandestine conferences at vacation area hotels, poison the minds of the young with a philosophy better suited to the 16th century, and undermine the stock market, the Fed, and the American dollar.

They are nothing but a cult.

Next, will be the clicking of jack-boots outside my office.

"We are questioning gold dealers. Where is Blumert?" the group leader asks.

"Put away your guns, fellas. I’ve been expecting you. I’ve prepared a statement titled, u2018Gold is Bad.’ You are free to use it. All I ask is a seat on the u2018US Anti-Gold Commission’ and tickets to the Super Bowl in New Orleans.

Text of Blumert’s statement: GOLD IS BAD

There is ample evidence that gold brings out the basest of human qualities. Instead of spending their money for the benefit of society, gold owners are inclined to horde, and they become miserly.

Gold is addictive. I’ve seen it thousands of times. The buyer innocently starts out with silver, and although studies claim that silver is not addictive, it leads to gold every time. Some even wind up experimenting with platinum.

In summary, gold is bad. But, so are cigarettes, pork-chops, chocolate clairs and Sunday’s news shows. What would we do without them?

Burt Blumert [send him mail] is publisher of, president of the Center for Libertarian Studies, and proprietor of Camino Coin. See Burt’s Gold Page.

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