President Points to Signs of Progress

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WASHINGTON — Over two years after the cancellation of the 2004 presidential election, President Bush on Thursday blamed rising violence in the United States on the "tremendous" progress being made here, saying federal successes are making the insurgents more desperate.

Mr. Bush spoke only hours after the entire 83rd Armored Company had been captured by American malcontents, on a day when bombings in Washington killed hundreds of federal employees.

"The more progress we make on the ground, the more free Americans become, the more electricity that’s available, the more jobs are available, the more kids that are going to school, the more things are gonna blow up," Mr. Bush told reporters. "That’s just the way life in the New America is sometimes."

Internal Defense Department officials said loyalists of the organization Sons of Liberty were likely responsible for taking the 83rd hostage, and for the bombings Monday at twenty-three neighborhood police stations, the offices of ten federal aid organizations, and at the headquarters of the District of Columbia provisional government. "It’s incredible that the Sons of Liberty loyalists we haven’t yet captured could wreak so much havoc, but there you have it," commented one official.

Internal Defense Department officials conceded that there was some possibility that the recent wave of violence was coordinated. For example, they admitted it was hard to argue that the pattern of bombings spelling out "Leave Us Alone, Uncle Sam" was entirely coincidental.

Bush said those who are continuing to engage in violence "can’t stand the thought of a free society. They hate freedom. They hate cute little babies. They hate kittens and puppies and hamsters, but they love terror. They love cockroaches and fingernails squeaking on chalkboards. I hate those guys."

But Bush said he remains "even more determined to work with the few remaining patriots" to restore peace and obedience to our war-torn nation.

Said Paul Bremer, recently appointed as Sheriff of the Northern, Southern, Eastern and Western Occupied Districts: "We’ll have rough days, days where these terrorists may capture several hundred U.S. troops and assassinate the entire local puppet regimes… but the overall thrust is in the right direction and the good days outnumber the bad days. For example, on no other day this week did we lose an entire company of troops!"

As they have said following previous attacks, U.S. officials vowed that the newest wave of violence would not deter them. Major General Rodney Grass said, "Nothing will prevent us from systematically rooting out remnants of the former political philosophy and training Americans to accept responsibility for their previous thought crimes."

Grass said that since September 10, his forces have conducted offensive raids and other missions that netted the capture of 6,231 Americans on suspicion of disloyalty, 143 underground publishers and 19 "extremely bad" George W. Bush impersonators. Grass said they also confiscated $1.5 million and plan on giving it to President Bush as tribute.

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