Emergency, Emergency, Everybody To Get From Street!

Anyone who remembers those lines has to be nearly as old as I am (I'm 55). Where did those lines come from? Well, I remembered them as a result of all the government and media announcements related to the onslaught of Hurricane Isabel.

They were recited by Alan Arkin, in a thick Russian accent, playing the role of a Soviet submarine officer sent ashore on a Maine island to prevent the locals from panicking. The movie was the 1966 comedy, "The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming." Arkin's submarine accidentally got grounded on a shoal near the Maine island as it popped up for a quick view of America. And until the tide would come back in, the sub was stuck.

The sub's captain, played by Theodore Bikel, sent ashore some of his men, two of whom could speak pigeon English. To prevent the locals from "panicking," that is, calling the Pentagon, and thus bringing in an air strike on his sub or having the U.S. Navy capture it, the Soviet captain decided to run a propaganda job on the locals, trying to convince them to stay indoors so they wouldn't notice the Russian sub. Hence the slogan "Emergency, Emergency, everybody to get from street." If I remember correctly, the Russians eventually cut the main phone line so that the locals couldn't call for help from the feds.

Eventually, everything turned out okay, even though some of the locals – portrayed by such stalwart actors as Paul Ford (he was a local retired Army colonel, trying to organize a militia to do battle with the invaders) and Jonathan Winters (playing a gung ho deputy police chief) – tried to start World War III (we had to wait more than 30 years for Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and the neocons to do something as stupid as that).

Carl Reiner, playing a musical comedy writer who was ready to return to the city with his family – they had rented a beach house for the summer – was apparently one of the few sane people. Realizing what happened, Reiner prevailed upon the local populace to come to their senses, thus preventing a minor incident from escalating into a war. Even romance melts the Russian-American cold war iceberg in this hilarious movie, with a handsome Russian sailor being attracted to a willowy sun-tanned blond who was spending the summer with Reiner's family (she might have been one of the children or the equivalent of an au pair girl, only she was an American).

Which brings me to a point about federal involvement in emergencies. With a few exceptions (like sending out the hurricane hunter aircraft to track the storm's characteristics and direction and providing that information to the folks at the Weather Channel), the feds generally make emergencies worse than they would have been had they not gotten involved. Every time there is a potential disaster, the feds appear to have a goal of making you feel like "The Russians are coming." After all, who would have a need for the feds if the Russians weren't actually coming, that is, if you could plan for and take care of yourself and your family when it came to most disasters?

That said, this current storm has brought out a few added wrinkles. First of all, given the predicted path of the storm, George Bush has shut down all of the federal government in Washington, DC for today and possibly tomorrow, too. What worried George and company was the fact that DC would face 40–50 mph winds. (Well, folks, if you want to see bravery, check out the Weather Channel meteorologists who are out there in the hurricane's path giving updated reports on the storm.) When you supposedly need the feds the most to "protect you" from the trials and tribulations of life in 21st century America, they close up shop and head for cover themselves. It should make the public wonder what they are paying all those taxes for.

Beyond that, the feds will presumably assemble and deploy resources to help out those hurt by the hurricane. But think about what they will be doing. They will dictate who gets what disaster relief resources – including cash payments, which are generally (but not always) doled out on a means-tested basis. They will shovel money out to the affected states to help fund disaster relief and recovery efforts. And they will eventually fund the reconstruction of public buildings and so-called public infrastructure – the real pork in disaster relief. (See James Bovard’s Feeling Your Pain for an accurate critique of the Federal Emergency Management Agency's disaster relief spending.)

What would it cost you and your family to make your home disaster-resistant? Depending upon your location, you might be able to "self-insure" against the effects of weather and other natural disasters – possibly even some man-made disasters – for the equivalent of $100–150 per month. But you won't hear any of the feds ever suggesting that they get out of the disaster business, cut your taxes by an equivalent amount, and leave it to you and the private sector to prepare for and handle your own disaster relief efforts. For that amount of money, I suspect most Americans could protect their homes and families better than all the federal disaster programs that now drain billions per year, a large part of which goes for pork barrel projects.

But like I said, the feds can only con the public into believing in the legitimacy of the Leviathan State – and thereby continue to allow themselves to be mulcted into paying confiscatory taxes – by constantly telling us that "The Russians are coming."

September 19, 2003

Jim Grichar (aka Exx-Gman) [send him mail], formerly an economist with the federal government, writes to “un-spin” the federal government’s attempt to con the public. He teaches economics part-time at a community college and provides economic consulting services to the private sector.

Jim Grichar Archives