Let’s stop beating around the Burning Bush. Chief Justice Roy Moore, of the Alabama Supreme Court, might need to have these modern, up-to-date alternatives ready for display on the first court date after Labor Day.
The Ten Nolo Contenderes
I. There is no Lord, often referred to as God, so false gods are fine, especially Political Figures and Supreme Court justices. For all practical purposes, Government is god. Get used to it. All religious zealots who criticize this section are absolute evil, terrorists, and the enemy, and thou shalt turn them all in.
II. Speaking of Political Figures, thou shalt not speak ill of them, ever — thou squalid vermin.
III. Thou shalt keep holy all government holidays. They are designed for your education, to enshrine moral depravity and political power-lust. Thou shalt revere our National Civic Religion. Hail Lincoln! Hail JFK! Hail MLK! Hail Warbucks! Furthermore, our Government having only one eternal flame, thou shalt have none other.
IV. Thou mayest honor thy parent and his/her domestic partner, in matters of little consequence, but above all thou must love, honor, and obey the Child Protection Service and thy Government School Teachers (GST’s), especially when they deride, disdain, and overrule thy parents and their partners.
V. Thou shalt not kill any already born, healthy, pro-Government human being whose physical and mental makeup meet all applicable Government standards, without Government permission (obtainable in special circumstances after the fact) or when you are wearing a Government uniform or carrying a Government I.D.
VI. Thou shalt neither bore nor burden others with advocacy of thy personal morality. Congress shall pass no law limiting the infinite possibilities of sexual expression, but, like everything else, it may make them mandatory.
VII. Thou shalt not steal, unless the Supreme Court says it’s ok. (Hint: Have the government do it for you, dolt! That’s what we’re here for!!)
VIII. Thou shalt not bear false witness, unless thou art a Politician, art running for office, or dost work for the Government. Under no circumstances shalt thou mention MLK’s plagiarism, JFK’s treachery, Clinton’s rapes, Teddy’s dry driver’s license, Bush’s Warbucks crowd … does thou get the drift?
IX. Thou shalt not covet any Government worker’s spouse or partner; all others are fair game. (Politicians need not heed this section).
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods, unless thou dost work for Government, and dost covet and expropriate them for the purposes of Government’s benevolent power, on which, may I remind you, there is no limit (see Commandment One).