Monty Python Looking For WMDs in Iraq

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Tony Blair’s WMD inspector arrives in Iraq. He is out in the desert. He is wearing a bowler hat and a tailored black suit, a crisp white shirt and a tie tied with a Windsor knot. He carries an umbrella and an attaché case.

He’s out in the desert and encounters a missile dressed as an Arab:

Brit: "I say, you wouldn’t be a WMD by any chance?"

Missile: "Not, not a WMD. I’m a shepherd."

Brit: "But if you don’t mind my saying so, you look very much like a WMD."

Missile: "No, no. I’m a shepherd. Not a very good one. I’ve lost my sheep."

The Brit eyes him up and down.

Brit: "You’re not a shepherd. You’re a WMD. You are in disguise."

Missile: "Sorry to disappoint you. Your WMDs seem to be missing, but so are my sheep."

A flock of small missiles dressed as sheep turn up, going "Baah!"

Brit: "These look like WMDs. You can’t fool me."

Missile: "As anyone can see, these are my sheep."

Brit: "Look here. Take off those stupid disguises."

Missile: "I’ll take off mine if you take off yours."

Brit: "I suppose that’s not unreasonable." He undresses down to his boxer shorts and socks with garters. He puts his bowler hat back on.

The missile stands there, not taking off his get-up.

Brit: "But you’ve broken your word. You’re supposed to take off your disguise."

Missile: "Do you think I’m stupid? Why would I get undressed in front of some British spy?"

He leads his WMD sheep off.

The Brit’s military superior arrives:

British officer: "I say, what in the world are you doing without your clothes?"

Brit: "I’m looking for WMDs. Damned near found some."

British officer: "Very good, my dear fellow. Carry on."

He walks off.

A missile disguised as a camel appears.

The Brit points his umbrella:

Brit: "I say, you look lots like a WMD."

Camel: "You are completely crazy. I am a camel. But I know what you are. You are a Brit."

Brit: "Amazing. That’s quite right. How did you know?"

Camel: "Who else would be out in the noon day sun without any clothes?"

He walks off, leaving the Brit pointing his umbrella in another direction, saying:

"I say there, you are most certainly a WMD."


Richard Cummings [send him mail] taught international law at the Haile Selassie I University and before that, was Attorney-Advisor with the Office of General Counsel of the Near East South Asia region of U.S.A.I.D, where he was responsible for the legal work pertaining to the aid program in Israel, Jordan, Pakistan and Afghanistan. He is the author of a new novel, The Immortalists, as well as The Pied Piper — Allard K. Lowenstein and the Liberal Dream, and the comedy, Soccer Moms From Hell. He holds a Ph.D. in Social and Political Sciences from Cambridge University and is a member of the Association of Former Intelligence Officers.

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