Having been denounced for being a "softy" by that illustrious consultant to the Pentagon, Newt Gingrich, Colin Powell is talking tough. France, he says, will face "consequences" for having the temerity not to jump on the war train.
A secret White House memo, drafted by Andrew Card, is being circularted that lists the punishments France can be expected to face:
French kissing will be outlawed.
Anyone found celebrating Le Quatorze Juillet will be forced to eat at McDonald’s for a week.
A ban in the import of Gaulloise cigarettes. (The last pack sold in America was to Louis Jourdan in 1953)
A mass burning of Johnny Halliday C.D.s
All posters of Charles DeGaulle in Washington D.C. will be torn down and shredded.
The White House mess will stop serving snails with garlic butter.
U.S. troops will no longer eat meals prepared by a French company, but will be obliged to eat a high fat Kentucky Fried Chicken diet.
Wives of Republican politicians will destroy their Chanel suits.
Pierre Cardin will be prohibited from visiting Nancy Reagan.
All flights to Paris, France will be redirected to Paris, Mississippi.
French Lick, Indiana awill be renamed Texas Lick.
The name Marcel Proust will be eradicated from all American libraries.
La Grenouille will be forced to change its name to The Frog.
Steak au Poivre will be renamed Texas Hot Pepper Steak.
Jacques Pepin will be ordered to stop speaking with a French accent and to start sounding like Julia Child.
The French Open will be played under protest and Andre Agassi will wear a shirt decorated with the American flag.
"That oughta have them shaking in their Frog boots" Rick Santorum was heard to say. "All those Frogs are deviants, you know what I mean."
"Right," Card responded, "Have you ever smelled Chirac’s breath? Garlic. Whew!"
"And there’s nothing’ those greasers can do to us, right?"
Card looks at the Financial Times.
"It says here that rich Frogs buy U.S. Treasury Notes that pay for our gigantic debt. They would stop doing that."
"So what? The dollar would be dead. We’d be as broke as a banana republic."
"We’d better tell the president," Santorum replies.
"You tell him," Card mutters. "I’m going’ to lunch at Jean Louis."
"Where you been Andy? That place closed ages ago."
"You’re right. It’s hard to keep up in this town."
Richard Cummings [send him mail] taught international law at the Haile Selassie I University and before that, was Attorney-Advisor with the Office of General Counsel of the Near East South Asia region of U.S.A.I.D, where he was responsible for the legal work pertaining to the aid program in Israel, Jordan, Pakistan and Afghanistan. He is the author of a new novel, The Immortalists, as well as The Pied Piper — Allard K. Lowenstein and the Liberal Dream, and the comedy, Soccer Moms From Hell. He holds a Ph.D. in Social and Political Sciences from Cambridge University and is a member of the Association of Former Intelligence Officers.