A Secretary of Defense's Work Is Never Done

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Donald Rumsfeld believes that freedom is messy. At first, he seemed OK with that, but it seems the dear man is trying to tidy it up … just a little bit. He told the AP this week that "Iraqis would be free to form the government of their choosing as long as it was not patterned after the theocracy in neighboring Iran."

Iraqis can be free, as long as Mohammed Mohsen Zubaidi, who declared himself mayor of Baghdad and "who claims to have American military support," isn’t the mayor of Baghdad.

What? Even though he claims to have American military support?

No, not that Mohammed! You must be thinking of some other Mohammed (who really does have America military support).

Anyone can run for office in Iraq. Except, of course, any "crony of Saddam Hussein or a violator of human rights." The United States can and will disqualify those candidates. And people are free to organize, except for the Ba-ath Party, any party consisting mostly of Ba-athists, former Ba-athists or neo-Ba-athists. We also don’t like the Communist Party, but we haven’t outlawed it… yet.

Anyone who was anyone in government or business or education in Iraq under Saddam was a Ba-ath Party member. That’s the nature of party membership in totalitarian states that use democratic centralism.

Now, ex-cons convicted of bank fraud and embezzlement, that’s different. You’re OK, Ahmad!! In fact — I think we, er… the Iraqi people, will give you the, er… invite you to be a key advisor to the finance ministry!

Speaking about banks and fraud, the Iraqi people are free to trade and have a national currency, as long as it is dollar-based. Late in 2000, Saddam switched all Iraqi trade to the euro, including using the euro for the UN oil-for-food program. Saddam never was all that bright, because I am pretty sure the book of knowledge clearly says that OPEC countries will deal in dollars, otherwise they are terrorist states, don’t allow religious freedom, cannot be our friend, and run a real risk of being militarily invaded after months of posturing and accusations of harboring terrorists, manufacturing weapons of mass destruction, and of being a secular Arab state that fails to properly discriminate against women.

15 of 19 terrorists who conducted the 9-11 attacks were from Saudi Arabia. None were from Iraq. You might think this is strange, but I really must refer you to the book of knowledge. Saudi deals its dinero in greenback.

Iraq is free to have "democracy" as long as it isn’t Shia majority rule. They are free to govern themselves, as long as they keep their unified county’s capital in Baghdad.

Iraq is free to market oil, as long as the American companies refurbishing the wells and pipelines and pumping stations and power systems are unimpeded by Iraqis, or by pre-existing Iraqi contracts with France, Germany, or Russia. These patriotic and God-fearing conglomerates have important and even profitable U.S. taxpayer-funded work to do. Oh, I almost forgot…for the Iraqi people!

Actually, it sounds to me as if Iraqi freedom isn’t untidy at all. It’s carefully packed, wrapped up tight, and sitting on Uncle Sam’s doorstep.

I just hope it doesn’t explode. Now, that would be messy!

Karen Kwiatkowski [send her mail] is a recently retired USAF lieutenant colonel, who spent her final four and a half years in uniform working at the Pentagon. She now lives with her freedom-loving family in the Shenandoah Valley.

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