[This article is parody, and was written to highlight the absurdity of US wars. That so many have taken it seriously illustrates how difficult it is to caricature war propagandists during wartime.]
The war boosters say things about Iraq and the Arab world that are undeniably true. But, you know, there are other regions that are deeply troubled and in need of wholesale reconstruction by the United States. Peggy Noonan says we shouldn’t stop with Iraq; we should “reorder the world.”
OK. In particular, Latin America needs addressing. Brazil has already admitted that it is engaged in a broad range of nuclear research. The government says it does not plan to actually make them, but we’ve heard that one before. Are we going to sit idly by as Brazil continues to research and eventually manufacture nukes, exporting them to their friends in Cuba, or are we going to act preemptively to arrest this threat? A recent string of leftist electoral victories demonstrate that this whole continent is a hotbed of anti-Americanism.
A military invasion to liberate Brazil and the entire region would do so much good. Here is a land of tin-pot dictators and ruling juntas that go back decades, even centuries. True, some of the dictators and would-be dictators rule under the veneer of democracy, but the same families remain in control election after election.
Corruption is ubiquitous and their constitutions are a joke. Opposition leaders are routinely rubbed out. Torture and police killings are routine. When people try to flee with their money, governments rob them of their savings. The use of tear gas by the police, a form of chemical warfare, is common. These governments rule by violence and fear. Some of these dictators have shot their own people!
Critics claim this region can’t support truly democratic regimes. What an insult! American-style freedom is for all people everywhere. We only need to force it on them. Until now, we’ve only acted intermittently, ousting Noriega or what have you. We’ve given these governments time. That time is running out.
This region is the main source of the drugs that are wrecking the lives of our children. These drugs are a weapon of mass destruction, and there is no need for inspectors to verify it. We know from massive aerial reconnaissance. We have the proof, and we will present it to the world.
To what extent are the governments themselves in the pay of drug lords? There can be no question that the elites live in palaces while the masses live in huts. What’s more, racism abounds in these countries. The ruling groups are well educated and light skinned, and they exploit the dark-skinned masses who are given no control over their fate. Let us draw on our own history to bring Latin America the blessings of true equality.
Some Mexican groups in the US have openly declared their goal of annexing Texas and the entire Southwest to their empire. They operate as a fifth column in this country, refusing to speak our language even as they use our social services. In short, they hate us. How long before they hijack our planes and crash our buildings? Did we learn nothing from 9/11?
And look at their religion. It is an amalgam of the cult of human sacrifice combined with medieval superstition run from the top by a pacifist who has openly declared his opposition to the US. In a dangerous world, if you are not with us, you are against us. And we will act. We will not wait. We must send the message: if you worship terrorists and their backers, you will be considered a terrorist yourself.
Some say a military invasion will lead to regional instability. But the region is already unstable. Latin American governments are part of that instability. Their removal opens up the possibility of stability.
Some say that Latin America hates the US for good reason. These carpers always blame America. In fact, Latin Americans hate us for our virtues, our freedom, our wealth, our goodness. The toiling masses of the entire region deserve nothing less than liberation, so that they too can share in our goodness, freedom, and wealth.
Pay no heed to the isolationists and their counsels of despair. Instead, look to the Monroe doctrine, which clearly enunciates our right to control the entire hemisphere. Brazil, Mexico, and all Latin America need a regime change. A victory will show the world that the sovereign US does not exist to play the victim.
Or here’s another idea: we could just have friendship and peace and trade.