The Wolf With No Wits

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Once,
there was a wolf with no wits. Although he had no wits, he thought
he was the smartest wolf in the pack. And although he was the smallest
wolf in the pack, he thought he was the biggest.

Alpha
Male, the head of the pack, patted the wolf with no wits on the
head and called him "Wolfie." He thought Wolfie was cute
and let him do whatever he wanted. One day, Wolfie grinned at Alpha
Male and said, "Let's eat up the world. When we are finished
eating it up, there will the nothing bad left. We will be the only
ones left, and because we are so good, good will prevail on earth."

"Great
idea!"shouted Alpha Male in his Texas drawl. (Alpha Male wore
a big hat but had no cattle.) "Let's roll!"

So
Wolfie rounded up the rest of the pack and gave them their marching
orders. "First, we will eat a place called Iraq. They are led
by a Big Bad Baboon, so when we have eaten all the Iraqis, including
the Big Bad Baboon, they can start over, doing good things and setting
an example for everybody else."

"Hooray!"
the others in the pack shouted, including Rummy wolf, Cheney wolf,
Condoleezza wolf, Perle wolf, and, of course, Alpha Male, who led
the cheering.

"That's
not all," Wolfie growled. "We will find the Big Bad Baboon's
toys and destroy them. No one but us is allowed to have toys like
that."

So
off they went in search of the Big Bad Baboon and his toys. But
on the way, they met Ivan, the Russian bear, who ambled over to
them, a cunning smile on his hairy face.

"Where
are you going?" Ivan, the Russian bear asked, pleasantly.

"We
are off to eat the Big Bad Baboon and Iraq. We will find his toys
and destroy them,"said Wolfie.

"That
sounds like fun," Ivan, the Russian bear, said. "Can I
come, too?"

"I
don't think so," said Wolfie. "We just want you to say
it's OK to eat Iraq and the Big Bad Baboon, find his toys and destroy
them, before he can use those toys against us first."

"But
if I let you do that, you will eat all of Iraq without giving me
any of it to eat," Ivan said. "Why should I let you do
that? That would be stupid."

So,
off they marched, leaving Ivan, the Russian bear, behind. On the
way, they next met Monsieur Renard, the French fox.

"Where
are you going?" he asked.

"To
eat Iraq and the Big Bad Baboon, find his toys and destroy them
before he can use them against us," Wolfie explained.

"Let
me come, too," Monsieur Renard pleaded.

But
Wolfie said no, "We just want your support and encouragement."

"Mon
dieu!" Monsieur Renard exclaimed. "C'est ridicule,
ca. That way, there will be nothing left of Iraq for me to eat."

So
they left him there and marched on, only to encounter Ming Li, the
giant Chinese panda.

"Where
are you going?" Ming Li asked, to which Wolfie gave his usual
explanation. Of course, Ming Li, wanted to go, too, but Wolfie gave
him the usual explanation, also. Angry and dejected, Ming Li slumped
off.

"That's
it," Wolfie rejoiced. "None of them can stop us and we
get to eat all of Iraq by ourselves, including the Big Bad Baboon.
We will have lots of fun finding and destroying his toys."

So
they began their long march up the mountain to Iraq. But on their
way, to their surprise, they encountered Ivan, the Russian bear,
Monsieur Renard, the French fox, and Ming Li, the giant Chinese
panda, as well as the Big Bad Baboon, himself.

"Another
step, Wolfie, and you and your pack are dead meat!" they shouted.

"Are
you gonna let them get away with that, Wolfie?" Alpha Male
snarled.

Wolfie
howled and bared his teeth, with all the others in the pack imitating
him. They howled and howled, with Ivan the Russian wolf, Monsieur
Renard, the French fox, and Ming Li the giant Chinese panda, all
laughing their heads off at them. And the Big Bad Baboon laughed
hardest of all.

So
there they stayed for ages, Wolfie and his pack howling fiercely
and Ivan, Monsieur Renard, Ming Li and the Big Bad Baboon, laughing
back, heartily. Finally, exhausted from all his howling, Wolfie
said, "Maybe we should eat something smaller first, like Nepal.
It is threatened with a Maoist revolution and is known to have some
dangerous toys."

"Right!"Alpha
Male said, shaking a paw at Ivan, Monsieur Regard, Ming Li and the
Big Bad Baboon and yelling at them, "But don't get any big
ideas. I'll be back."

So
off they went, in search of Nepal, poring over a map to figure out
where it was, the sound of the laughter of the other animals growing
fainter as Wolfie and his pack distanced themselves from them.

"I'm
tired, too," said Ivan. "I'm going home to drink some
vodka."

"Mais
alors," Monsieur Renard joined in, "I'm going home
to drink some wine."

The
Bag Bad Baboon was left alone. "Oh, well," he sighed.
"I might as well go home, too, and play with my toys."

But
by the time he got home, he couldn’t find them. Little United Nations
beavers had ferreted them out and had messed them all up.

"I
will make some new toys," the Big Bad Baboon said.

"And
we will come back and mess them up again, "the beavers chuckled.

Which
is what happened, for years and years, until the Big Bad Baboon
finally died. And no one ever heard from the wolf with no wits ever
again.

September
23, 2002

Richard
Cummings [send
him mail
] taught international law at the Haile Selassie
I University and before that, was Attorney-Advisor with the Office
of General Counsel of the Near East South Asia region of U.S.A.I.D,
where he was responsible for the legal work pertaining to the aid
program in Israel, Jordan, Pakistan and Afghanistan. He is the author
The
Pied Piper – Allard K. Lowenstein and the Liberal Dream
,
and the forthcoming novel, The Immortalists.

Richard
Cummings Archives

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