Signed Osama...

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by Michael Peirce

Dear Mom,

Just a quick note to let you know that everything is going well with me. But then, you knew that of course, from watching American TV! We did have one small problem in our luxury suite at the hotel here in *******. It was terrible — the TV picture was flickering continuously — no one should have to go through that. Holy War requires of us that we sacrifice much; that was way above and beyond what a jihadist soldier should have to endure! One laughs in retrospect — the infidels had assumed I was cowering in a cave somewhere ducking their bombs but in reality I was engaged in a deadly struggle with poor TV reception and bad room service!

Thanks be to Allah — they have quickly abandoned their "wanted dead or alive" nonsense and already forgotten that it was I who struck them such a deadly blow. Is Allah great or what?

As I noted in my last letter, the war is going exactly as planned. The latest Bush is just like his father and is doing precisely what we wanted — Allah must have bent him to our will. I'll try to spell out some of our many successes here for you so that you can see that your son is not just sitting around and watching himself on TV.

Their so called Homeland Security department has been wonderful — all those lovely colors and fanciful alerts — but did they dare to oppose or even to approach the soldiers of jihad? Their INS is even better — our people are arriving in record numbers and will soon exist in sufficient numbers to strike a deadly blow right there in the belly of the beast. Like Europe, America will soon submit to the will of the believers!

The frightened rabbits who once shouted their opposition to Islam almost immediately capitulated and passed a version of Sharia Law which amusingly, they called The Patriot Act. As is well known in our country, calling a camel a horse doesn't make it one.

We've managed to get all the truly dangerous infidels to stop flying — after all, only a cretin would submit himself to the humiliation that our agents at the airport are handing out. Our top man of course is the infidel that calls himself Norman Minetta — he has managed to keep the pilots from being armed as well as the passengers. So the sky belongs to us.

After that dangerous and frightening moment when Bush closed the borders everything has thankfully returned to normal. We're getting the drugs and weapons through without problem and have convinced the Americans that it is "racist" to even look for our agents. Allah has truly muddled their minds and delivered them into our hands.

The program to trick Americans into disarming themselves is proceeding well despite that momentary setback after we destroyed their twin towers. Even their hated National Rifle Association is playing ball with us on that one. There was a time when it seemed that every infidel had an assault weapon but our agents in their Congress have served us well. Only Allah could have so scattered the brains of our enemies that they would think disarming themselves somehow made them safer!

The one part of our plan that really worried me at first was the issue of diverting their attack from us to one of our enemies. I regret that I had so little faith — it has turned out just as we wished. Their initial assaults on the Taliban gave us time to hide most of our assets and to remove my person from danger. Now, thanks be to Allah, we have tricked them into assisting our people in Iraq — it's well past time to be rid of Sadaam Hussein who is himself no worse than an infidel.

Should you ever doubt the power of Islam, remember that those idiotic Americans are still supporting our forces in Yugoslavia! After 911 I had my doubts about that too, but this younger Bush has been marvelous for us — a worthy successor to our agent, El Clinton.

Even as I write this, our temporary allies in Southern Africa are working their vengeance on the Western Christians who will soon be expunged from that area. I have to laugh as I write this. With the Westerners gone, our "allies" will soon be back in their proper place as infidels — serving us faithfully as slaves as once they did before those blasphemous Christians dared to contradict the will of Allah and ban slavery!

Be assured Mom, I'm not getting over confident. Our plan to overwhelm the Americans by getting them to commit all their forces to various theatres of war is tricky and could still go wrong. Yet I look at my globe and there they are — everywhere and nowhere. Soon they'll be so scattered and vulnerable that America will fall into our hands like a ripe fig. Admittedly, some of their soldiers can be very dangerous. Thankfully, El Clinton did his work well so only a very few of them are truly dangerous hence we may assume our plan is on schedule.

Taking control of the American media was a breeze. Night and day our media agents beat their breasts and rend their garments, calling for an end to surveillance of our jihadist brethren. Astonishing what a few dollars will buy these days.

Another major victory was taking over their school system — we had much help from American Marxists but we'll take care of them later. The hated name of Jesus is officially banned from their schools and they now teach only the glory of Islam. Is that incredible I ask you!

There remain however, some very troublesome infidels such as Stromberg, Raimondo and that rascal Lew Rockwell who have not yet been brought under proper control. Like them, others, thankfully few, continue to yammer for security at the borders and they naturally wish to expel our agents from their homeland. But not to worry — we have the big media, the small will follow. The Americans are told what to think by their televisions and we can always count on the networks. Ha! Are they in for a surprise one of these days soon.

The best news of all is that the Americans have finally abandoned that devilish constitutional republic nonsense. A decentralized America that minded it's own business could be a real threat to Islam but I don't think we have much to worry about at this point in time. Everything is on schedule and we will soon capture the prize that our fathers forfeited so shamefully: the destruction and enslavement of western civilization. We give the credit though, to Allah, who rendered the infidel of this age so ridiculously stupid and filled him with self loathing. Allah Akbar!

So Mom there you have it — I'm looking good and feeling good, living a quiet life and generally enjoying myself and my wives while I prepare the next step in our campaign to bring the west to its knees and fulfill the great dream of Mohammed.

Signed Your loving son, Osama

Mr. Peirce [send him mail] fought with the Rhodesian freedom fighters (the Ian Smith side, of course).

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