Defense Advisory Panel Declares World To Be America's Enemy, Calls for Immediate Attack

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A
Defense Department advisory panel, headed by Richard Perle, has
declared the world to be "an immediate threat to American security"
and has called for the United States to undertake an immediate preemptive
strike against it.

"It's
not just Iraq," Perle is quoted as saying. "It's everybody.
Certainly it's Saudi Arabia, because they fly on magic carpets and
don't buy U.S. aircraft. We must have a regime change there, pronto.
And then there's France, where they disdain McDonald's. No way we
should tolerate that. An immediate invasion is called for. We must
install a McDonald's on the Eiffel Tower instead of that pack of
Frogs who run a garlic-infested establishment there now. Of course,
there is Japan. Well, they WERE our enemy, so why should we trust
them now. Besides, they pose an immediate danger to America because
of their unconscionable consumption of vast quantities of raw fish.
We need that fish."

Perle
recited a long list of "vicious enemies of America," which
included Paraguay, for once defeating America in the Davis Cup ("We
can't just accept that.") and Barbados, for giving Americans
who stay out in the sun too long on the beach, skin cancer. ("Insidious!")
"Bash ‘em," he yelled. "And don't forget Brazil.
They started the samba craze that made Americans forget about fighting
necessary wars. It was an obvious ploy to undermine our national
defense."

"What
about Israel?" an incredulous reporter asked. To which Perle
replied, "This really hurts. I thought that was the one country
we could exclude, but that kosher business is killing our pork exports.
That's no accident."

"Won't
this be incredibly expensive?' another reporter asked.

"Not
if you do a cost-benefit analysis," Perle explained. "It
is cheaper to strike now than to wait. If we wait, it will only
get worse. Take China. They are hoarding soy sauce. If we allow
this to continue, the cost of a meal at a Chinese restaurant in
Georgetown will become prohibitive. And then there is Britain, our
oldest enemy. Don't forget that. Their consumption of American navy
beans is only ninety percent of our output, down five percent from
three years ago. We've got to nip that in the bud."

At
this point in Perle's press conference, two men in white coats tip
toed in and quickly stuffed him into a straight jacket. They began
to haul him away, with Perle screaming and yelling. Donald Rumsfeld,
who had been listening attentively, blocked the two men and forced
them to release Perle.

"What
do you think you're doing?" Rummy demanded. "Apart from
myself, this is the only sane man in Washington."

August
7, 2002

Richard
Cummings [send
him mail
] worked for U.S.A.I.D, where he witnessed insanity
on a daily basis. He is the author of the comedy, “Soccer Moms From
Hell” and the forthcoming novel, The Immortalists.

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