Emperor-President Puts on Good Show
publish here a future news item, which came to us, once again, from
the unexplained and non-existent, at least in this dimension, website,
0:800 a.m., 30 JANUARY 2021
administration of President Roscoe Dimwitz got off to a rip-roaring
start today with the first bombing raid of the season, which targeted
an area just outside the Iraqi capital, Baghdad. Saddam Hussein,
looking his age and leaning on a cane, defiantly promised "the
mother of all big trouble" for the US, coming soon, he said,
to a military theater near you. He claimed that twelve civilians
had been killed in the joint US/UK mission, which began at 3:00
a.m. Iraqi time and resulted in the pinpoint destruction of several
sheep pens and one goatherd. The raid is said to have sent yet another
message to the timeless Iraqi despot. According to Pentagon spokes-bipeds,
the goatherd was involved in transporting important materials for
the production of weapons of mass destruction.
Iraqi Raid has become such an important symbolic gesture on the
part of an incoming administration that it now outranks the inaugural
balls and parades, which once were such an important part of the
Worldville (formerly Washington) social scene. Failure to be invited
to the Pentagon to witness a new administration's first salvo in
real time is seen these days as a major social slight. The event
is now so fraught with legend and lore that it has pushed aside
Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog, and his shadow – to say
nothing of the lesser known groundhog, Wiarton Willy, way up in
Ontario – as an omen of future events.
psychics, and bookies compete to predict when a new president will
launch his first raid on Iraq, and side bets are taken on the weaponry
to be used and the number of collaterals to be damaged. "This
is like having our own little weapons-testing lab and target range;
it's so realistic and the price is so low," said Totentanz
Chapman of the multinational conglomerate Complex Military Industrial
University Solutions, Inc. "Thank God, nobody is ever hurt
in these trials," he added, "except for a few wogs."
class of reviewers has sprung up in response to widespread public
interest in ranking presidents as bombers of Iraq. We spoke to Kani
Kryo, a leading critic, about this year's entry. "Yeah, I think
this is one for the books. I mean, you have to consider the aplomb,
the flair, the unbought grace with which Dimwitz carried this one
off. Here's a guy addressing a fund-raiser at Orphans for Socialism
and he only lets it slip out, real nonchalant like, towards the
end of his speech, that he's blasting the hell out of Iraq. Like
it happens every day, which it almost does, come to think."
bombing raid reviewer, Ace Frio, was more restrained. "Yeah,
sure," he said, "it was a pretty good one. But ya gotta
notice the poor menu of ordnance expended. They didn't use the circular
saw-blade launcher, the used oil filter bomb, the cryogenic implosion
bomb, or any of the other funky new technology the public wants
to see in action."
some frustration, he added, "Look the people wanna see some
exciting weapons of mass destruction being used in this campaign
against weapons of mass destruction. Otherwise, what's the point
of voting for the guy?"
reviewers agreed, however, that public interest will reach fever
pitch again, once the planned pig-sheep-cow bomb is ready, perhaps
in time for the next inauguration. "That'll be more fun than
a broken gas main taking out the butcher shop," said Frio.
"Total War, Total Fun."
Frio stared blankly at our reporter, when asked if the ancient Roman
suovetaurelia, a ceremony involving just those three animals,
had inspired the new bomb.
Kryo broke in to say that he was holding out for deployment of the
mortgage bomb and the liquidity-trap bomb. The Dimwitz Administration
has declined to comment on these matters. Secretary for Light Prevarication,
Elmo Sinary, drew an imaginary zipper across his lips, when our
reporter raised the question.
further questioning, Mr. Sinary emphatically denied that the government
is working on an Annoying CD Bomb, which releases hundreds of recordings
of Bill Kristol demanding unconditional surrender. "I don't
think Mr. Kristol can even speak Iraqian," grumbled the Secretary.
"Besides," he went on, "there's no known antidote
for the guy's voice, and if the wind shifted, why we'd lose a lot
of our own personnel."