(Herewith we submit a true record of the future correspondence between the above-named parties, a record which came to us from the unexplained and non-existent, at least in this dimension, website, angelcynn.warp)
1401 Oskar Lange Prospect Marietta, Atlanta Free State 21 October 2040
Mr. Wiley Freeman 678 Burnt Store Road Calvin, Tennessee
Dear Mr. Freeman,
As Chief Public Relations Officer of the Acme Defense Agency, it is my duty to inform you of the new policies which we have instituted, the better to serve you and our other subscribers. From November 1, 2040, we will be exercising greater latitude in fulfilling our contractual obligations. We shall need to rifle through your garbage, intercept your electronic communications, and enter your dwelling in your absence in order to determine whether or not you have wittingly or unwittingly undermined your own safety and made our work more difficult by associating or collaborating with bad elements. We cannot name these bad elements at this time, since that would compromise our investigations.
We are certain that you will see how reasonable these new measures are.
One for all and all for one.
Sincerely,
Jno. Arschkrafft, Vice President for Public Relations, Acme Defense Agency "In Business Ever Since the Federation Quit"
678 Burnt Store Road Calvin, Tennessee 23 October 2040
Jno. Arschkrafft, Esq. Vice President for Public Relations Acme Defense Agency Marietta, Atlanta Free State
Dear Sir,
I am in receipt of your letter of the 21st instante. I am not pleased with your proposed initiatives. If I had wanted to purchase protective services at the price of my fundamental freedoms, I would long since have moved to Europe, where they still put up with states. In any case, between my twelve gauge and my faithful dog Koos, I was doing a pretty good job of providing my own security. I only signed up for your services to give myself added peace of mind, especially at times when I am not on the property.
Let me remind you that the existing contract only permits your operatives to monitor, from a distance, those who enter and exit my property, particularly in my absence. You are contractually bound to conduct these operations in a polite and non-obtrusive manner. You may only come on this property if you see an actual crime against person or property in progress.
I do not need to quote chapter and verse from the existing contract; you should know the provisions as well as I do. I certainly did not sign up to have you monitor me in the guise of providing simple defense services. Your attitude, as reflected in your recent communication, is forcing me to consider not renewing our agreement.
Yours Sincerely,
Wiley Freeman
1401 Oskar Lange Prospect Marietta, Atlanta Free State 27 October 2040
Mr. Wiley Freeman 678 Burnt Store Road Calvin, Tennessee
Dear Mr. Freeman,
I have discussed your reply to my letter of October 21 with the Board, and I am afraid that we cannot understand your uncooperative attitude. Are you aware, Sir, that in the third quarter of this year dog-napping was up by 10% and burglary by 12%? We have, in addition, reason to believe that neo-terrorists are about to descend on your area, although naturally we cannot share any detailed information with you due to the delicacy of the matter and the danger of compromising our investigation. These neo-terrorists suffer from Post-Gulf War III Nostalgia Syndrome and want to recreate the heady times when they served on the Federation payroll, fought the Federation, served the Federation, fought the Federation…. well, you get the picture, Sir.
They are going to attack! No one is safe! You must trust us, Sir. Did you not notice that last month the moon took the form of a crescent?
Given the dire threat facing us, details of which we cannot disclose (see above), we are rewriting all contracts, and may be forced to go beyond the plans outlined in my letter of October 21. We are asking all our clients to make themselves available, in person, for physical examinations on November 11, at our offices in Marietta. You, and they, will then be assigned tasks in our Emergency Army, based on a battery of intelligence tests and your, and their, ability to balance on a wire ten feet off the pavement.
I hope you will see the gravity of the situation and allow us to continue providing you with security and protection.
Yours Sincerely,
Jno. Arschkrafft, etc., etc.
30 October 2040 678 Burnt Store Road Calvin, Tennessee
Jno. Arschkrafft, Esq. Vice President for Public Relations Acme Defense Agency Marietta, Atlanta Free State
Dear Sir,
Your reply to my letter of 23 October is completely unsatisfactory. We have always had minor outbreaks of crime in this district, and no one, save the late, unlamented Federation, ever claimed that measures of the sort announced in your recent letters were needed to deal with them. Your notion of the proper relationship between the cart and the horse is quite mistaken.
Any further talk from you and your company about your right or power arbitrarily to rewrite, or tear up, the existing contract between us will only strengthen me in my growing resolve to take my business elsewhere. At the rate you are going, I should soon need a protection agency to defend me from your alleged protection. We have seen this sort of thing before.
This is the reason the Federation went out of business.
Yours Sincerely,
Wiley Freeman
678 Burnt Store Road Calvin, Tennessee 1 November 2040
Jno. Arschkrafft, Esq. Vice President for Public Relations Acme Defense Agency Marietta, Atlanta Free State
Dear Sir,
I have not received a satisfactory answer from you, or anyone else at the Acme Defense Agency, to my last letter. Someone did phone me at four a.m. this morning using an obviously disguised voice. I am sorry, but harassing phone calls and statements to the effect that if I don't shape up "stern measures may have to be taken" will not resolve this disagreement.
In addition, the night before last, two men in masks dented my garbage cans and spray-painted Koos. It took me four hours to get the poor dog clean. I have little doubt that these intruders were in your employ. Despite the masks, I am sure these are two characters I have seen lurking about your offices. Their build and manner give them away as former employees of the so-called Bush II "Administration" in the late period of the former Federation.
My dear fellow, you cannot scare your customers with phony emergencies and threats carried out by yourselves. This is to let you know that I have severed all relationship with the Acme Defense Agency. You may retrieve your security cameras from the front gate as soon as possible.
In the interest of avoiding any future misunderstandings, please be aware that if any of your operatives come here with a notion of carrying out your "new security measures," they will have to contend with Bavarian Security, AG, my new defense provider. I am quite certain that you will wish to avoid a confrontation. Koos sends his best wishes.
Sincerely,
Wiley Freeman
1401 Oskar Lange Prospect Marietta, Atlanta Free State 4 November 2040
Mr. Wiley Freeman 678 Burnt Store Road Calvin, Tennessee
Dear Sir,
We regret very much that you wish to terminate your relationship with the Acme Defense Agency. We are sending you a check in the amount of 20 gold dollars to settle accounts. We hope that in future you may have a change of heart.
Mr. Arschkrafft is recovering from an accident involving a new security device, and could not write you personally.
Regretfully,
R. "Rummy" Raumsfeld, Acting Vice President for Public Relations, Acme Defense Agency, etc.
August 29, 2002
