Acme Defense Agency v. Wiley Freeman, AD 2040

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(Herewith
we submit a true record of the future correspondence between the
above-named parties, a record which came to us from the unexplained
and non-existent, at least in this dimension, website, angelcynn.warp)

1401
Oskar Lange Prospect
Marietta,
Atlanta Free State
21
October 2040

Mr.
Wiley Freeman
678 Burnt
Store Road
Calvin,
Tennessee

Dear
Mr. Freeman,

As
Chief Public Relations Officer of the Acme Defense Agency, it is
my duty to inform you of the new policies which we have instituted,
the better to serve you and our other subscribers. From November
1, 2040, we will be exercising greater latitude in fulfilling our
contractual obligations. We shall need to rifle through your garbage,
intercept your electronic communications, and enter your dwelling
in your absence in order to determine whether or not you have wittingly
or unwittingly undermined your own safety and made our work more
difficult by associating or collaborating with bad elements. We
cannot name these bad elements at this time, since that would compromise
our investigations.

We
are certain that you will see how reasonable these new measures
are.

One
for all and all for one.

Sincerely,

Jno.
Arschkrafft, Vice President for Public Relations,
Acme
Defense Agency
"In
Business Ever Since the Federation Quit"

678
Burnt Store Road
Calvin,
Tennessee
23
October 2040

Jno.
Arschkrafft, Esq.
Vice
President for Public Relations
Acme
Defense Agency
Marietta,
Atlanta Free State

Dear
Sir,

I
am in receipt of your letter of the 21st instante.
I am not pleased with your proposed initiatives. If I had wanted
to purchase protective services at the price of my fundamental freedoms,
I would long since have moved to Europe, where they still put up
with states. In any case, between my twelve gauge and my faithful
dog Koos, I was doing a pretty good job of providing my own security.
I only signed up for your services to give myself added peace of
mind, especially at times when I am not on the property.

Let
me remind you that the existing contract only permits your operatives
to monitor, from a distance, those who enter and exit my property,
particularly in my absence. You are contractually bound to conduct
these operations in a polite and non-obtrusive manner. You may only
come on this property if you see an actual crime against person
or property in progress.

I
do not need to quote chapter and verse from the existing contract;
you should know the provisions as well as I do. I certainly did
not sign up to have you monitor me in the guise of providing
simple defense services. Your attitude, as reflected in your recent
communication, is forcing me to consider not renewing our agreement.

Yours
Sincerely,

Wiley
Freeman

1401
Oskar Lange Prospect
Marietta,
Atlanta Free State
27 October 2040

Mr.
Wiley Freeman
678 Burnt
Store Road
Calvin,
Tennessee

Dear
Mr. Freeman,

I
have discussed your reply to my letter of October 21 with the Board,
and I am afraid that we cannot understand your uncooperative attitude.
Are you aware, Sir, that in the third quarter of this year dog-napping
was up by 10% and burglary by 12%? We have, in addition, reason
to believe that neo-terrorists are about to descend on your area,
although naturally we cannot share any detailed information with
you due to the delicacy of the matter and the danger of compromising
our investigation. These neo-terrorists suffer from Post-Gulf War
III Nostalgia Syndrome and want to recreate the heady times when
they served on the Federation payroll, fought the Federation, served
the Federation, fought the Federation…. well, you get the picture,
Sir.

They
are going to attack! No one is safe! You must trust us, Sir. Did
you not notice that last month the moon took the form of a crescent?

Given
the dire threat facing us, details of which we cannot disclose (see
above), we are rewriting all contracts, and may be forced to go
beyond the plans outlined in my letter of October 21. We are asking
all our clients to make themselves available, in person, for physical
examinations on November 11, at our offices in Marietta. You, and
they, will then be assigned tasks in our Emergency Army, based on
a battery of intelligence tests and your, and their, ability to
balance on a wire ten feet off the pavement.

I
hope you will see the gravity of the situation and allow us to continue
providing you with security and protection.

Yours
Sincerely,

Jno.
Arschkrafft, etc., etc.

30
October 2040
678 Burnt Store Road
Calvin,
Tennessee

Jno.
Arschkrafft, Esq.
Vice
President for Public Relations
Acme
Defense Agency
Marietta,
Atlanta Free State

Dear
Sir,

Your
reply to my letter of 23 October is completely unsatisfactory. We
have always had minor outbreaks of crime in this district, and no
one, save the late, unlamented Federation, ever claimed that measures
of the sort announced in your recent letters were needed to deal
with them. Your notion of the proper relationship between the cart
and the horse is quite mistaken.

Any
further talk from you and your company about your right or power
arbitrarily to rewrite, or tear up, the existing contract between
us will only strengthen me in my growing resolve to take my business
elsewhere. At the rate you are going, I should soon need a protection
agency to defend me from your alleged protection. We have seen this
sort of thing before.

This
is the reason the Federation went out of business.

Yours
Sincerely,

Wiley
Freeman

678
Burnt Store Road
Calvin,
Tennessee
1
November 2040

Jno.
Arschkrafft, Esq.
Vice
President for Public Relations
Acme
Defense Agency
Marietta,
Atlanta Free State

Dear
Sir,

I
have not received a satisfactory answer from you, or anyone else
at the Acme Defense Agency, to my last letter. Someone did phone
me at four a.m. this morning using an obviously disguised voice.
I am sorry, but harassing phone calls and statements to the effect
that if I don't shape up "stern measures may have to be taken"
will not resolve this disagreement.

In
addition, the night before last, two men in masks dented my garbage
cans and spray-painted Koos. It took me four hours to get the poor
dog clean. I have little doubt that these intruders were in your
employ. Despite the masks, I am sure these are two characters I
have seen lurking about your offices. Their build and manner give
them away as former employees of the so-called Bush II "Administration"
in the late period of the former Federation.

My
dear fellow, you cannot scare your customers with phony emergencies
and threats carried out by yourselves. This is to let you know that
I have severed all relationship with the Acme Defense Agency. You
may retrieve your security cameras from the front gate as soon as
possible.

In
the interest of avoiding any future misunderstandings, please be
aware that if any of your operatives come here with a notion of
carrying out your "new security measures," they will have
to contend with Bavarian Security, AG, my new defense provider.
I am quite certain that you will wish to avoid a confrontation.
Koos sends his best wishes.

Sincerely,

Wiley
Freeman

1401
Oskar Lange Prospect
Marietta,
Atlanta Free State
4
November 2040

Mr.
Wiley Freeman
678 Burnt
Store Road
Calvin,
Tennessee

Dear
Sir,

We
regret very much that you wish to terminate your relationship with
the Acme Defense Agency. We are sending you a check in the amount
of 20 gold dollars to settle accounts. We hope that in future you
may have a change of heart.

Mr.
Arschkrafft is recovering from an accident involving a new security
device, and could not write you personally.

Regretfully,

R.
"Rummy" Raumsfeld,
Acting
Vice President for Public Relations,
Acme
Defense Agency, etc.

August
29, 2002

Joseph
R. Stromberg [send him mail]
is holder of the JoAnn B. Rothbard Chair in History at the Ludwig
von Mises Institute
and a columnist for LewRockwell.com
and Antiwar.com.

Joseph
Stromberg Archives

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