The Inevitable Conflict

Email Print

Memo: To the Subjects of The Great Duke of Democracy, His Stupendousness George W. Bush (May He Live Forever!)

From: The Supreme Infallible One, His Excellency, the Attorney General, Department of Justice

Re: The Inevitable Conflict

Dear Subjects,

It may have been brought to your attention in recent days that terrorism and the war we are now waging with your sons and with your money has always been “inevitable.” There is no way to stop it and there is nothing we can do about it. You must understand that it is simply impossible to do anything other than continue our “unconditional support” of Israel and building oil pipelines across the Middle East and Southern Asia. Our campaign coffers demand it, and thus, continued terrorism and war are inevitable.

This war will undoubtedly mean the deaths of Americans both at home and abroad. Abroad, it will mean continually putting American soldiers in harm’s way in places you have never heard of. Rest assured that we have heard of them, though, because we have been meddling in such places for decades. We have tried to civilize the natives, but it just hasn’t taken, so we’re sending in your children to rectify the situation.

Here at home, some of you subjects will undoubtedly be victims of terrorism perpetrated by those who have refused to acknowledge the benefits of our unconditional support for Israel and our embargo against the wicked women and children of Iraq. Such terrorists hate you because you are rich and they are poor. We have spent decades propping up government run by our friends in their countries, and yet they remain poor. Their poverty makes them evil. You will die because of them.

My fellow subjects, please also note that when I speak of death, I am speaking of your deaths, and not of mine. My life is far too important to be subjected to the kinds of risks that you must face. His Stupendousness George Bush and myself will only travel by private transport with armed guards. All our friends will be protected as well. You, on the other hand, must travel on public transport where the only weapons allowed will be those carried by the terrorists. Please understand that this is only for your own protection. You and your pilots on these flights are not agents of the State, and thus cannot be trusted with firearms.

As you and your children become victims of terrorism, please keep in mind that your death was inevitable, and we assume no responsibility, and do not claim any ability to end the threat. Death is a natural thing, and sometimes it is necessary to preserve the State. His Holiness Ronald Reagan was willing to sacrifice 20 million of you to destroy the Soviet Union. Only a few of you were wacky enough to think this was a bad idea.

There has been some talk that the continued inability of the United States to protect its own citizens might undermine its authority. Do not believe such rubbish! The more Americans die, the greater will be the demand for revenge. The State will never become obsolete. Never! We are also fortunate that we have so many patriotic, square-jawed, middle-aged white men out there ready and willing to sacrifice their children for the greater good. Their kind did it 30 years ago in another "inevitable" conflict in Asia, and they will undoubtedly do it now.

Oh yes, one more thing: Say No to Drugs!

Ryan McMaken [send him mail] is editor of the Western Mercury.

Ryan McMaken Archives needs your help. Please donate.

Email Print