Same Bat-Time, Same Bat-Channel

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What
a great thrill it was to see President Batman finally throw down
against the Axis of Evil! First we must deal with Penguin, whose
turn it is this year to head the Axis. Though his Baghdad lair is
over six thousand miles away and is no conceivable threat to the
Republic of Gotham, he is a mortal foe to the Gotham Empire!

His latest shenanigan went almost unnoticed. Just recently, as many
citizens of Gotham settled in for a morning of peaceful fuhrer worship
on the Sunday talk shows, Penguin’s henchmen planted an intoxicating
gas in all the TV studios. As panelists all over the city began
to discuss Gotham’s global responsibilities, the gas started to
escape. They all began slurring incomprehensibly. Then, at the mention
of Penguin, they all became horribly drunk!

George F. Will could not even speak anymore. He peeled his shirt
off and tried to arm-wrestle with anyone and everyone. Tony Snow
tied an American flag around his neck like a cape and pretended
to fly around the panelists. He stopped and shoved Fred Barnes,
who fell behind his chair and off camera but could still be heard
mumbling “sssassskickin’ time now saaskickin’ time now.” William
Safire went from a cerebral discussion of language, to throwing
his chair across the set at Doris Kerns Goodwin. His glasses barely
dangled from one ear. Tim Russert could take no notice with the
lampshade he had placed over his head. He babbled senselessly underneath.
William Kristol kept trying to say “Penguin,” but with every utterance,
he spit-up on himself, smiling bravely throughout the ordeal. Oh
the humanity!

In the aftermath, a new group calling itself “Mad Mothers Against
Power Drunk Politics” has organized. They should not anticipate
as reverential press coverage as was received by their prohibitionist
sisters in MADD, because all things are Penguin’s fault!

But if some citizens cannot see the threat that Penguin poses, they
should be forgiven. They do not have access to the technology of
the Batcave. Batman does. He can see, in ways that they cannot,
why only he has the moral vision to resist evil by, say, sending
weapons into a conflict with a collapsing peace process. And how
could a peace process collapse in the very Holy Land itself? The
Axis of Evil, that’s how! The Axis was caught red-handed sending
weapons into the conflict. Gotham’s indignation was understandably
broad.

So Batman summoned the city’s commissioners into the Hall of Justice.
He called on them all to have the courage to face the Axis, and
that anyone, anywhere who does not side with him, sides with the
Axis. Batman declared that the Penguin would not be allowed to take
away Gotham’s cherished freedoms-that job belongs to the commissioners
in the Hall of Justice, alone.

Well, the commissioners sure appreciated that, because they jumped
up and down like it was ice cream day! So the Penguin and all his
henchmen had better watch out, because that night, as Batman and
his drunken chums retired to their late dinners, they sent Gotham’s
brave children out, all those many miles away, gunning for the Axis
of Evil!!

Na-na,
na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na,…BATMAN!

March
1, 2002

Billy
Walsh [send him mail] is a
screenwriter in Maryland.

LRC
needs your help to stay on the air.

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