Another Angry Pressure Group

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as copied to Burton S. Blumert

Dear Editor:

Our membership has deep contempt for police at every level of government, particularly those who investigate homicides. This group of bozos are at the bottom-of-the-barrel, the least intelligent, most corrupt and laziest law enforcement agents of all.

Actually, our 4100 dues paying members survive and flourish because of police ineptitude. Amused, we watch the clumsy manner in which most murder case investigations are handled. Even more ludicrous are the transparent efforts to cover-up shoddy work.

For too long, we have lived with the "Dr. Richard Kimble" defense murder strategy. Predictably, the police and defense lawyers, in lockstep, have picked up this absurd premise. It matters not how the murder was accomplished, or who the victim was. Every murderer shouts:

"It was a one-armed man who did it."

Those unfortunate souls who have lost an arm to disease, have had it severed in an accident (shark bite), or war; even those cheated of an arm by nature, found themselves in constant danger.

It wasn’t only people who looked like David Janssen, and years later, Harrison Ford, who were beating them up and dragging them into police stations. The fact that they could only "half" fight back made the one-armed fellow an easy victim.

It wasn’t until the failure of a tv remake of "The Fugitive" that the "Richard Kimble" defense fell out of favor.

Without the "one-armed man" defense, the police continued to stumble along as usual, doggedly pursuing the wrong people and letting obvious murderers go free.

We at the National Association of Serial Killers are accustomed to this inefficiency, but some current developments greatly trouble our membership.

In a recent case in Massachusetts, a well known allergist, as guilty as he was splattered by his murdered wife’s blood, showcased the new defense:

"A serial killer did it".

The Washington, D.C. police blundering along in the Chandra Levy missing intern case are all set to pick up the mantra:

"It was a serial killer who did it."

In a cabal, which includes murderers, their lawyers and the police, we detect a dangerous trend. Every murderer will soon be pointing to the hapless serial killer.

We are outraged by this new development.

Our members, the authentic serial killers, resent being identified with these run-of-the-mill murder cases.

The true serial killer should not be confused with amateurs.

  • The serial killer is meticulous and rarely gets caught.
  • Serial killers almost never murder friends or family.
  • Serial killers often plant clues to help the inept police (to make the chase more exciting.)
  • Unlike their mundane, passion-driven counterparts, the serial killer is generally erudite and literate.

Mr. Editor, we implore you, please don’t get caught up with this new tactic on the part of the police establishment to cover-up their own inadequacies by blaming members of our association.

Stop scapegoating. Stop maligning us. Don’t sully the great history of serial killers.

The Association of One-Armed Americans join in this protest.

Sincerely yours, Hannibal "the Ripper" Bundy (Be advised, this is not my real name) Executive Director The National Association of Serial Killers

Burt Blumert [send him mail] is owner of Camino Coins, president of the Center for Libertarian Studies, and publisher of

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