Creatures From Heck

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Women drive me crazy. However, I’m glad I am one, because that way, I don’t have to put up with them because I can’t do without them. After all, you know what the men say: u201CCan’t live with u2018em, but can’t live without u2018em.u201D (We ladies say that about guys, too.) Heck, I couldn’t live with women and I can live without them. On that account, I can bash u2018em.

Women are like cats, and I don’t like cats, either. Speaking of which, I love the bumper stickers that say, u201CIf you’re looking for your cat, look underneath my tires.u201D I’d like to have that bumper sticker, substituting women for cats.

Women, you know, get their claws out over things like looks and brains. You can make them hotter than a hornet just by looking pretty without trying or by being educated beyond basic college memorization capabilities.

For starters, women get all catty and stuff if you are a woman that even dares to look halfway decent around them. That’s a criminal act, you know, deserving of two years of hard labor in the Arizona desert. I mean, try looking good in a short skirt with sculptured, shaved legs and well-done nails around u2018em, and they’ll all sit there and gossip about how you u201Clook like a hussyu201D, or you u201Cmust spend way too much time in front of the mirroru201D. Truth is, some of us spend forty-two-and-a-half minutes in front of the mirror each morning; much less time than what all of those Barbie Doll wanna-bees spend primping themselves. I believe in the low maintenance, yet highly-feminine look. So arrest me, ladies. Just make sure you send me to Arizona in the wintertime.

When these catty-type dames walk by you in a hallway, or something, they always gotta look at you, up-and-down, like they are wondering where your scars are from all of your liposuctions and assorted other plastic surgeries. They talk about how if you’re shapely, it must be because you eat lettuce leafs for dinner or have a monthly liposuction appointment with Doctor Fatsucker. They never stop to gossip about how you do high-intensity workouts five or six days a week and eat a large pizza by yourself. That’s not good gossiping material for catty folks.

Another thing that bothers me about women is the way they get all in a huff over other women who demonstrate an apparent intelligence factor. Catty women don’t like that because if you got big brains AND shapely legs, it must be a personal conspiracy against them. If you talk kinda smart, like say you are talking about Xenocrades of Chalcedon and his codification of Plato’s philosophy, or Southeastern Europe and the Macedonian cease-fire, they get even cattier and start talking about how you think you know it all. Even if you do, you can’t tell them that.

One mistake I made was playing the board game, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, with a bunch of cats, umm, I mean women. They couldn’t even answer the $1000 dollar questions like, What country is commonly known as the country u201CDown Underu201D?, and got mad because I knew that Zachary Taylor was the 12th President of the United States. Geez. Hey, it’s not my fault they’re reading vapid Harlequin Romance stuff while I’m readin’ about State’s Rights and James Madison’s nationalist Virginia Plan. So keep the claws in, ladies.

In fact, women bug me because most of them don’t know diddle about politics and issues, in general. Let’s face it; most women vote half-witted, and especially the catty types. They vote for a cute guy for president that seems cool because he didn’t inhale once and he has a tight butt (though I think he has flappy thighs). They like Gore because he likes the femi-commies and backs their plans to give us all government-paid abortions at the drop of a hat. They think Republicans don’t like women and they never heard of Libertarians. One day, I tried to explain to a catty woman co-worker that I wasu2014ideologically — sort of libertarian-ish, and she asked me if u201CI was one of those people she always watches on the TV News, demonstrating about stupid rights and stuff.u201D I know she voted for Clinton.

Catty women think politics are boring, but yet they vote and ruin everything for all of us, including us smart ladies who can answer the BIG questions on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. If politics are so boring to them, why do they vote? I’d like to start a company that places people outside of voting locations on vote days, and gives away free shoe coupons to women who will go shopping instead of voting. I’ll call it the Shoes-for-Freedom exchange. It’d have to be a not-for-profit because I’d have to raise all my money from rich men and other ladies who don’t like dumb women. Hey, if inner-city gun-grabbers can give away Footlocker coupons to minorities in exchange for them turning in their guns, why is my idea so invalid?

Speaking of women being doltish on politics, have you ever noticed that women will stop anywhere, and sign any kind of petition, no matter what the issue? If the petition mentions children or women’s rights, of course, signing that thing is a done deal. Maybe the employees of my not-for-profit company could also stand outside of shoe stores and petition for canceling all female voting rights under the guise of u201Cwomen’s rightsu201D. I think that might actually work.

Another thing about women I hate is that they detest guns because they are scary-looking and make loud sounds. They march against guns and get all catty and emotional about having guns in the house, and they refuse to see the bigger picture. This kind of thinking just drains me. It bugs me that they won’t put down the trashy romance novels with Fabio on the cover, and bother to delve deeper into an issue for the sake of understanding it. Then they get their shorts all into a twist when you talk about current US gun control laws having ominous parallels to the Nazi gun laws.

I have one like-thinking female friend, and she doesn’t like women either. I guess that’s why we like each other. She has what she calls a u201CTwo-transactions-per-dayu201D rule. This means she doesn’t want to deal with catty people all day, so she limits her contact with them by allowing herself no more than two transactions of any sort on a given day. I think she does this to avoid women because they bug her so much. I think I’ll give that a try.

Okay, okay, so now it seems that I hate women even though I’m one of them. Well, sometimes I do, and sometimes, some of them are ok, albeit a bit troublesome. I just want u2018em to keep their claws in around me, and get themselves a good book on State’s Rights, or something.

Karen De Coster [send her mail] is a politically incorrect CPA, and an MA student in economics at Walsh College in Michigan.

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