The following was an enclosure with last month’s credit card bill, along with a solicitation for the WWII Monument in Washington, DC, and a promotional piece for the movie, "Pearl Harbor."
Are you bored with those phony, contrived TV survival shows? Had enough watching photogenic showbiz wannabes eating slugs and stabbing every back in sight?
Greats Wars and Other Glorious Events is proud to announce the opening of our super theme park: World War II: the Last Great War.
The park offers entertainment for the entire family, so pull the plug on your TV, join us at our fabulous Theme Park, and live World War II.
If you were not fortunate enough to have been part of the "Greatest Generation," here is your opportunity to experience the exhilaration of that wondrous time.
All the famous bloody battles will be recreated: from the deserts of North Africa, to the invasion of Sicily, from Anzio to the Battle of the Bulge. (Sorry, at this writing our permit to explode atomic bombs has not been approved. Only films and tapes will be shown.)
And you can be part of it.
For those bravehearts who want to actually share the experience of the Great Generation, and defeat Shickelgruber and Tojo, you will be fully equipped with 1940s weapons and gear, and undergo a brief training period that will include hand-to-hand combat. From that point it is up to you to "Be All That You Can Be."
You will be under the constant eye of Theme Park employees who will direct the combat from our air-conditioned offices in Boca Raton.
Of course, family members are not required to participate directly and can watch the grand spectacle from reinforced bunkers and closed-circuit television near the front lines. (In war, even in recreated battles, there are casualties, and our heartfelt regrets go in advance to those innocents who will be victims.)
- Bloody battles are meticulously recreated. (On the Guadalcanal set, for example, the mosquitoes carry malaria.)
- The field medics have been trained and supervised by the producers of MASH.
- The Germans and Japanese, who portray enemy troops, have been recruited from maximum-security prisons in those countries. To ensure that they are appropriately surly, they have been barred from visiting Disneyland, and have eaten all their meals at fast-food restaurants.
- Acts of heroism will be properly recognized, but those committing atrocities can earn no award higher than the Bronze Star.
- The World War II Theme Park has been highly recommended by the following great Americans:
Janet Reno says she has not been so moved since that exciting day in Waco, when the outgunned BAT and FBI agents courageously overcame the Branch Davidian cultists.
General Westmoreland says after his visit, "It was nice to see us win some battles for a change."
William Kristol enjoyed his visit to the World War II Theme Park, but grumbled that since we were doing it all over again, this time we should occupy London, Moscow, and Peking.
As a Grand Opening special, we will conduct an Anne Frank lookalike contest. The winner gets to spend the month of August in an attic in Amsterdam.
(In fine print) Disclaimers and Warnings upon your visit to the World War II Theme Park.
- If you are wounded or get a combat-related disease, you will automatically be dispatched to a Veteran’s hospital.
- If you are captured by the enemy, we will negotiate for your release, and even resort to a prisoner exchange (for example, you for Arnold Swarznegger).
- Under no circumstances will there be any refunds nor do guests at the World War II Theme Park qualify for the GI Bill of Rights.