Not From the Associated Press National Wire Gov. Davis Promises To Enact Physics Regulations

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LOS
ANGELES (NAP) – Encouraged by the success of recent legislative
efforts to control the laws of supply and demand for electricity,
Gov. Gray Davis announced today the introduction of new changes
to the laws of physics.

"We've
been suffering too long at the hands of pin-headed scientists and
engineers who can't think outside the box," Gov. Davis said
to an enthusiastic crowd outside the UC Berkeley campus.

Gov.
Davis blasted opponents who called the plan to regulate basic physics
equations "insane" and "impossible." Responded
Gov. Davis, "Remember the so-called economists who said that
price controls lead to shortages, well, look who's laughing now!"

The
new regulatory program is headed by one Professor Eugene u2018Skippy'
Shepperson of UC Berkeley, who has been dubbed the Paul Krugman
of electrical engineering.

"It's
really quite astonishing. By fudging a couple coefficients and rearranging
Ohm's law, and a couple other mandates, we can double the efficiency
of our existing power plants with no environmental side effects.
In fact, with no changes to the infrastructure at all. It's a real
win-win situation," Skippy claimed.

The
regulatory program consists of legislating a decrease in the resistive
coefficient of copper and aluminum, commonly used in high tension
wires.

"We
should be able to considerably cut down on transmission losses with
the new regulations. The computer models say that we shouldn't lose
any electricity at all," Skippy commented in a speech before
Gov. Davis took the podium.

Keys
to the program include several changes to the famous R=V/I equation,
the so-called Ohm's Law. Details are still forthcoming, as Skippy's
address was cut short when his frantic hand waving injured three
bystanders.

"I
can't believe we let physics get away with being unregulated for
so many years," declared Jeni Flowerpot of the California Not
In Any Backyard Environmental Coalition. "We have some serious
gripes with chemistry and biology, as well. If we can tinker with
economics and physics, why the wait to get true pollution control
and sexual equality?" asked the CNIABEC representative.

The
new regulatory program would set an interesting precedent in the
state that has given birth to many innovative legislative efforts.

"If
this program is successful, we have plans to investigate the Second
Law of Thermodynamics for antitrust violations," Gov. Davis
continued to rousing applause. "Getting something for nothing
is every Californian's right!"

Leading
scientists in universities not located in California were skeptical,
however.

"I
want some of what Skippy's been smoking," stated Professor
Sara Powell of Duke University in North Carolina. "You can't
change the laws of nature when you don't like the results. Physics
isn't Calvinball."

Gov.
Davis and his supporters were not swayed in their support for Skippy
and his new ideas in the field of electrical engineering.

"If
this program does fail, we'll have only the greedy out of state
electric companies to blame. Everybody knows that they rake in excessive
profits when they don't sell electricity," Gov. Davis replied.

April
10, 2001

Peter
Barrett is a born-again Southerner in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

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