day draws nearer, the question of what Bill Clinton will do in
his retirement looms ever larger. Still a young man, Clinton will
obviously need an outlet for his fabled energy. Knowing of Clinton’s
close relationship with many in the entertainment industry, it
seems quite possible he’ll attempt to enter that field –
perhaps starring in his own sitcom. We feel that, rather than
risking something totally untested, Clinton would instead try
for a remake of a previously successful venture. We have envisioned
some possible venues for him, and offer them here for your (and
me tell you a story bout a man named Bill
A poor Governor whose wife was awfully shrill
And then one day he was tallyin’ up a poll –
Seems the people saw him in a presidential role
Oval Office, that is
Swimming pools, movie stars
the first thing you know old Bill’s the president,
McDougal is in jail, the Lincoln Bedroom up for rent
Dick Morris told him that he must triangulate,
And accuse the right of bigotry and hate.
Government shutdowns, that is
Welfare reform, children starvin’ in the street
stars as Jed. Also starring Madeline Albright as Granny, Chelsea
as Ellie May, Christie Whitman as Mrs. Hathaway, Bob Dole as Mr.
Drysdale, and James Carville as Jethro Bodine.
is brilliant in reprising the role of Andy Taylor from The Andy
Griffith Show. Jimmy Carter plays Barney Fife, Madeline Albright
is Aunt Bea, James Carville is Gomer Pyle, Ted Kennedy is Otis
the town drunk, and Janet Reno appears as Floyd the barber. In
some interesting plot twists, Andy becomes involved in several
large real estate development deals, without putting any money
down, and Aunt Bea is hired by The Lippo Group as a $5000 per
day “pie-making” consultant. Instead of a single love interest
named Helen, Andy chases a new blonde bimbo each episode.
small crew sets out in a boat, on a cruise intended to go down
as the most successful in American history. Instead, they run
into stormy seas, their ship sinks after hitting the Health Care
Reform Reef, and they are stranded on Republican Congress Island.
The series focuses on their continuing attempts to prevent their
wealthy patrons, the Howells, from deserting the island. Generally,
this entails involving them in endless coffees, inviting them
to sleepovers at their hut, and nominating them to made-up posts
on the island. Clinton plays Billigan, Hillary is The Skipper,
Robert Reich appears as The Professor, Laura Tyson is Marianne,
Paula Jones is Ginger, Al Gore plays a palm tree, and Robert Rubin
and Barbara Streisand play the Howells. In one particularly poignant
episode, Mr. Howell gets the natives of the island to sacrifice
all their trinkets to help bail out his friends, a group of wealthy
investment bankers who had invested in risky emerging market debt.
Newt Gingrich makes occasional cameo appearances as an angry cannibal
living on the island.
meeting her at a top law school, a country bumpkin brings his
society wife back to the sticks to live with him. Her intense,
driving ambition to return to high society leads her to push him
into all sorts of shady deals with a local named Mr. Haney. Bill
Clinton plays Oliver, Hillary Clinton is Lisa, Al Gore plays Eb,
James McDougal is Mr. Haney, and James Carville appears as Arnold
and Jimmy Carter team up in a tour that rivals The Three Tenors’
tour in popularity. Carter reads his poetry to Clinton’s saxophone
accompaniment. “A brilliant expression of the lust in all our
hearts!” raves Clive Barnes.