Basic Living Instructions for Palm Beach County Democrats

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Democratic
residents of Palm Beach County, Florida, as I prepare to file this
article, a case is almost ready to be heard in the Florida Supreme
Court which asserts that the “butterfly ballot” was too confusing
for all of you. I would never want to alienate you right from the
start of this article by reminding you that I am a Republican, and
a Republican who thinks you’re all a bunch of feckless dimwits,
to boot. I just want to be kindly and helpful and give you a few
hints that might smooth your paths as your trudge and toil through
the complex maze of modern living that all of us experience.

  1. When preparing to eat a Twinkie, take off the wrapper first.

  2. To open a can of soda pop, it is not necessary to bite a hole
    in the side of the can with your teeth and consequently cough,
    choke and splutter as your beverage cascades out over your shirt.

  3. When making a peanut butter sandwich, do not place the jar of
    peanut butter between two slices of bread and attempt to chew
    it up; it will only damage your teeth. Unscrew the lid of the
    jar, remove some peanut butter with a (blunt) knife and carefully
    spread the peanut butter on the bread.

  4. To moisten the mucilage on an envelope, it is NOT necessary
    to draw the envelope’s flap across the surface of your eyeballs:
    allow your tongue to protrude slightly from your mouth and glide
    the flap across it. Better get into practice before it’s time
    to mail out those holiday greetings!

  5. To don a pair of trousers, use twisty-ties to secure two side
    belt-loops to two chairs (I recommend a Windsor comb-back style
    for this.) When the trousers are affixed in an upright position,
    move across the room and take a flying leap in the manner of
    a person leaping over a track-and-field hurdle. Attempt to insert
    both of your legs into the trouser legs simultaneously. Repeat
    this exercise as often as needed until you are adequately attired,
    if somewhat bruised. Don’t forget to dis-attach the twisty-ties
    on your belt loops from the chairs, because dragging around
    two Windsor comb-back side chairs could prove cumbersome.

  6. When voting in an election, as is both your right and your duty
    as a citizen of the United States of America, peruse your ballot
    slip and the template carefully before you just start merrily
    jabbing away with the provided stylus. Voting is a serious and
    somber business and shouldn’t be attempted by anyone who can’t
    visually follow an arrow from the candidate’s name to the correct
    hole. Anybody who can’t figure this out deserves to have voted
    for Pat Buchanan.

I
feel justified in being somewhat stern with all of you about this,
since this is the second time you’ve muffed up these ballots. Jim
Smith, the former Florida Secretary of State, reported to CNN that
in the 1996 election, 15,000 ballots had to be trashed because of
people who got that stylus gripped in their sweaty little palms
and went temporarily insane. The idea here is NOT to make your little
ballot sheet look like an antique pierced-tin lantern.

I
also have some room for disdain because my voting district uses
a similar type of ballot that is nearly identical to yours, and
I’ve never heard one peep about people being confused and people
wailing and weeping and screaming in the parking lots of polling
places and people filing lawsuits in the circuit court because of
something that happened due to their own execrable stupidity. Of
course, I come from a small state that has only a few paltry electoral
votes and a tradition of going Republican, so that largely cancels
out the stupid factor: our Democrats know that it would be useless
to raise such a fuss, and I’d like to think that enough of them
are imbued with a sense of personal dignity that would not allow
them to appear on national television, with their faces all be-smeared
from crying and whining something about how ha-a-ard it was to understa-a-and
that ba-a-allot and it isn’t fa-a-air so there needs to be a new
vo-o-ote.

New
vote, my eye. You live and learn, and this seems to me to be a great
opportunity to get your acts together. I bet the next time an election
rolls around, you Palm Beach County Democrats will make darned certain
that you check out the sample ballot you got in the mail. A sample
ballot was even published in the local newspaper, for heaven’s sake
— what more do you need? Perhaps you’d like a Democrat volunteer
to escort you into your booth, tuck the stylus into your hand and
guide you to the Al Gore punch-hole. Although come to think of it,
I’m not sure that anyone unable to figure out a simple ballot should
be allowed access to sharp, pointy objects.

I
really hope that this lawsuit gets unceremoniously tossed out of
court. I have been assuring friends that the unbelievably corrupt
Clinton/Gore administration is NOT indicative of the majority of
Democrats, and I’m counting on your Supreme Court not to follow
in their footsteps. The media shills and the Hollywood limousine
liberals aside, I believe that the basic Democrat is much the same
as a basic Republican, with a different belief system. I refuse
to entertain the notion that every Democrat is a cheat, a liar and
a knave, just as I refuse to believe that every Republican is filled
brimful with every godly virtue.

Please
don’t make me regret making that statement. Deal with your error
like people with principles and integrity and stop giving the likes
of Paul Begala, David Boies and Jesse Jackson a reason to be in
Florida, polluting your beautiful state with their noxious presences.
(Jesse Jackson’s voting district used that same ballot, by the way.
Don’t you think that seems a bit fishy? Why isn’t he trumpeting
his racial angst up North?)

One
last instruction:

7.
To breathe, suck air in…blow it back out. Suck air in…blow it
back out. Suck air in…blow it back out…

November
30, 2000

Shelley
McKinney is a political writer whose work regularly appears in several
Internet journals. She takes great pleasure in exposing the politically
correct for their lack of logical thought.

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