Be Civil to Our Civil Servants

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While
anarcho-capitalists and minarchists may feel that the modern state
is illegitimate, it is our strong feeling that we should work to
eliminate leviathan by only the most respectful and legal means.
We must realize that, until our goal is reached, the government
has many important tasks to perform, and as good citizens we should
not hamper its effectiveness. Remember that, while you may disagree
with government employees, they are, almost without exception, decent,
law-abiding, duty-bound servants of the public. Therefore, we offer
a list of things that citizens must not do, as they would
all really annoy the heck out of the government.

  • Come spring, do not repeatedly take every copy of every
    tax form from your local Post Office, claiming that you “make
    a lot of mistakes.”
  • Please don’t rub a President’s face in his own vomit while saying,
    “Ba-a-a-d Georgey!”
  • Be responsible with your politicians: Do not let them get wet.
    (Especially ones named “Teddy.”) Never feed them after midnight.
    (Especially Chinese food.)
  • Do not invade small, oil-rich neighboring monarchies. Even though
    the U.S. ambassador may tell you it’s OK beforehand, it really
    is frowned upon.
  • It is important that you do not call 911 every April 15th
    and report a robbery.
  • It would be impolite to gain access to a Vice Presidential Debate
    with the following stunt in mind: Position yourself to ask a question.
    First praise Lieberman for his candor and devout spirituality.
    He will smile and nod. Then ask, “Could you please tell us your
    position on the divinity of Jesus Christ?”
  • It would be equally impolite to gain access to a Presidential
    Debate in order to do the following: Position yourself to ask
    a question. Begin reciting Samuel Jackson’s biblical execution
    speech from Pulp Fiction. Insist to security that it was
    merely a satirical introduction to a serious question concerning
    media violence.
  • Just as egregious would be: Volunteer to help grassroots Republicans
    prepare for a Cheney campaign stop. Begin hanging “See Dick Run”
    signs. When the guy in charge tells you to take them down, insist
    that they are clever and that he obviously doesn’t “get it.”
  • We also feel it would be disrespectful to write a letter to Congressman
    Barney Frank, asking him whether he wears boxers or wrestlers.
  • When a respected government official dies, only the most callous
    and infantile buffoons would have
    fun at his expense
    . Please avoid these sorts of shenanigans.
  • If your congressman writes you a letter asking if there is “anything
    at all I can do for you, let me know,” please don’t write back
    and tell him you need the vacuuming done on Tuesdays and Fridays.
  • If an Air Force commander, do not order your B-52s, holding at
    their failsafe points outside Russia, to execute Wing Attack Plan
    R. This is to be used only in the event that a Russian first strike
    has disrupted the chain of command. Although we hate to judge
    something like this before all the facts are in, it would appear
    that such an order would exceed your authority. (What, you haven’t
    seen Dr. Strangelove? And you’re wasting time at LewRockwell.com?)
  • Do not write a letter to Janet Reno, containing only the following
    cryptic line: “I was no fraud, and now I’ve come back to give
    you what you deserve. – DK” It would give her a real case
    of the willies, which is a federal offense.
  • Do not engage in suicide attacks on U.S. warships. What are you,
    some kind of coward?

  • Never, ever
    put bags filled with dog feces in mailboxes. And
    make sure, if you do violate this tip, not to be seen. Those postal
    workers can get testy.
  • Do not go into the Post Office and tell the man at the desk that
    you’ve noticed their nice poster, and would like to sign up for
    their “Drugs by Mail” program. See above note on testiness.
  • If you are a woman, please don’t leave the following message,
    in a despondent voice, with the White House switchboard: “Tell
    him I tested positive…”
  • Do not begin a boycott of Washington, D.C. demanding an end to
    the racist term “White House.”

November
2, 2000

Gene
Callahan is a regular contributor to mises.org.
Bob Murphy is a graduate student in New York City.

2000, Gene
Callahan and Bob Murphy

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