Nixon's the One!

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the “democratic” charades of recent days, several new principles
have been established for the common good. Among them are the discovery
that dead people can often be better representatives of the popular
will than live people, and can thus faithfully serve in the United
States Senate. This is the same body where several live people have
often appeared to be cadaverous, to say the least.

course this “principle” ignores the Constitution’s prohibition of
the election of anyone “who shall not, when elected, be an inhabitant
of That state for which he shall be chosen.” (Article I, Section
#, Par. 3) The late Governor of Missouri, R.I.P., may rest in peace,
but, whereever he is resting, he’s not in Missouri. For our purposes,
however, the new principle reads: “A candidate dead on election
day can win an election, so long as he has a living female relative
who can assume the office in his stead.”

far principle number one. Now, moving right along, for number two:

election purist Bill Daley, who has never seen a fair election he
didn’t want to subvert, now modestly proclaims ” the losing candidate
in an election, if it is my guy, can demand a recount, and even
a re-vote, in districts most favorable to him, until he wins —
even if this is long after the vote is certified by the Secretary
of State — or until his opponent concedes for fear of the country’s
destruction — a prospect that troubles Mr. Daley not at all.

these two principles well established, I have a modest proposal:

Nixon was elected President in 1960, but the election was stolen
with massive vote fraud in Illinois, Texas, and other states too
numerous to mention.

demand a recount.

the recount reflects Nixon’s victory, which ever commentator since
has affirmed (without raising a ruckus, or even a cadaver), we move
to principle number two (follow the bouncing ball now, folks):

Nixon is indeed deceased, and does not inhabit California, or any
other earthly paridise. But he does have a daughter (“living female
relative”) who is very much alive and well, and capable of assuming
the presidency without emitting foaming formulas about “Dingell
Norwood” or the destruction of the electoral college.

so I modestly propose that the country repair this otherwise abiding
injustice to the voters (not to mention the Nixons), and that Tricia
Nixon be inaugurated as the 43rd President of the United States.

13, 2000

Manion, a founder of the political satire group the Capitol Steps,
runs a background music production company in Front Royal, Virginia,
and teaches political theory at Christendom College as an adjunct
lecturer. He was at the 1960 Republican convention in Chicago, where,
he insists, Nixon stole the nomination from Goldwater.

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