Nixon's the One!

In the “democratic” charades of recent days, several new principles have been established for the common good. Among them are the discovery that dead people can often be better representatives of the popular will than live people, and can thus faithfully serve in the United States Senate. This is the same body where several live people have often appeared to be cadaverous, to say the least.

Of course this “principle” ignores the Constitution’s prohibition of the election of anyone “who shall not, when elected, be an inhabitant of That state for which he shall be chosen.” (Article I, Section #, Par. 3) The late Governor of Missouri, R.I.P., may rest in peace, but, whereever he is resting, he’s not in Missouri. For our purposes, however, the new principle reads: “A candidate dead on election day can win an election, so long as he has a living female relative who can assume the office in his stead.”

Thus far principle number one. Now, moving right along, for number two:

Chicago election purist Bill Daley, who has never seen a fair election he didn’t want to subvert, now modestly proclaims ” the losing candidate in an election, if it is my guy, can demand a recount, and even a re-vote, in districts most favorable to him, until he wins – even if this is long after the vote is certified by the Secretary of State – or until his opponent concedes for fear of the country’s destruction – a prospect that troubles Mr. Daley not at all.

With these two principles well established, I have a modest proposal:

Richard Nixon was elected President in 1960, but the election was stolen with massive vote fraud in Illinois, Texas, and other states too numerous to mention.

We demand a recount.

Once the recount reflects Nixon’s victory, which ever commentator since has affirmed (without raising a ruckus, or even a cadaver), we move to principle number two (follow the bouncing ball now, folks):

Mr. Nixon is indeed deceased, and does not inhabit California, or any other earthly paridise. But he does have a daughter (“living female relative”) who is very much alive and well, and capable of assuming the presidency without emitting foaming formulas about “Dingell Norwood” or the destruction of the electoral college.

And so I modestly propose that the country repair this otherwise abiding injustice to the voters (not to mention the Nixons), and that Tricia Nixon be inaugurated as the 43rd President of the United States.

November 13, 2000

Christopher Manion, a founder of the political satire group the Capitol Steps, runs a background music production company in Front Royal, Virginia, and teaches political theory at Christendom College as an adjunct lecturer. He was at the 1960 Republican convention in Chicago, where, he insists, Nixon stole the nomination from Goldwater.