Presidential Acceptance Speech

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With
the mandate of the people behind me, I accept the challenge to work
on your behalf for the next four years, to spend more money than
I ever promised, to continue to feed the bankers billions of dollars
of interest on the national debt via the Federal Reserve Bank and
its collection agency, the Internal Revenue Service, so that you
have to work five months of every year just to pay taxes. Remember,
if we lower taxes and that spurs the economy, then the federal government
still collects more money, so we always win and you always lose.

I
will launch a phony war during my four years to show foreign nations
that we can "kick ass," and of course, to test our new
weapons and show them off as scare tactics around the globe. And
when we "win" the war without American casualties, it
will create a legacy for my Presidential library.

I
will work to ensure our scientists have phony jobs launching space
satellites and creating meaningless space stations.

I
will put more teachers in the classroom as a way of reducing the
unemployment rate and I'll rig the scholastic tests so your kids
appear to do better.

I
will oppose generic drugs so that the drug companies have more money
to conduct research to create even more drugs that are ineffective,
cause side effects and keep our hospital beds full, so that more
doctors and nurses have jobs. I will rid the nation of dangerous
herbal products like ginseng, ginkgo, and garlic capsules that have
been proven to be ineffective and may be dangerous. I will implement
a prescription drug program for seniors so they can die sooner from
drug side effects, that now needlessly kill 274 Americans every
day.

I
will raid any government stash of money and use it for any purpose,
regardless of what it was intended for. I will continue to raid
the Social Security system and declare our government has a surplus
when it doesn't.

I
will uphold the honor of the Presidency. I won't be chasing any
girls around the oval office. In the spirit of the times, I will
propose the "Oval Office Cam," where citizens of the USA
can look right in on all the events at the White House, including
the breakfast room and the Lincoln bedroom.

We
will create a legacy, regardless of reality. We will do more to
promote the status quo than previous administrations, and we will
raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour, so you can pay $8 for a fast-food
hamburger and $9 for a box of cereal.

We
will continue to manipulate government statistics, so that my Presidency
will go down in the record books as a great Presidency. And I owe
it all to you, the citizens of the United States. Thank you for
this vote of confidence."

Your
President: _________________

(To
be filled in soon)

November
9, 2000

Bill
Sardi writes from Diamond Bar, California.

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