Haphazard Pontifications

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I’m sick and tired of Ellen the DeGenerate and Anne Heche. Bill and Hill glorify in killing Iraqi people, yet are crying in their leftover Billy-Beer over the break-up of the century. And the rest of the world wonders if they will ever get back together. Who cares? This is cultural depravity revisited. (Actually, depravity never left Hollywood.) Story is, they were off to Vermont to celebrate their lesbian marriage-to-be, and would follow up by “having a baby together”. Apparently, Ellen wanted Anne to carry the baby, but Anne was not so sure that was her job (But Anne, you can’t expect the [man] to carry the child!)

If this break-up means I’ll never again have to look at Ellen and Anne on the cover of the Enquirer while in long lines at the supermarket, Hallelujah! As far as Ellen goes, I would put her back in the closet, lock it, feed her parakeet seeds under the crack of the door, set up a church organist and choir outside the door that would play church hymns endlessly, make her write “I think Mel Gibson is handsome” 1000 times on a sheet of paper, pipe Rush Limbaugh’s radio show into the closet at a very loud volume, and send in an FBI tank like the one used at Waco to “keep her at bay”. At least until Anne Heche finds a boyfriend — which she will. To those who followed her romantic endeavors in the pre-Ellen days, she likes men. She doesn’t have the “gene.” Go for it, Anne.

CNN’s Robert Reich is a pimple on the North end of a hippo travelling South.

Whoever gave women the idea that they look good in brush-cuts? Maybe it’s just in the Midwest, but summer seems to bring on a slew of ladies with the prickly "do". Ok, hair prep time can really put a dent in one’s morning. But beauty comes at some price, eh? Rudy on “survivor” looks good in a brush-cut. 25-year-old police officers look good in brush-cuts. Naval officers look good in brush-cuts. If these cuts were considered so stylish for women, then why don’t TV anchors and beauty contestants wear them? Case closed.

Michigan’s favorite feel-good election signs are popping up all over the front lawns of suburban Detroit again this year. They read: "Education, Jobs, Health Care: Democrats Care!" Oh brother.

Gotta love those one-dimensional bumper stickers that say “I [blankety-blank-blank], and I vote!” I want one that says, “I’m not a soccer Mom, and I vote!”

“Everybody does it” (the media argued during the Clinton-Lewinsky debacle). They claimed many Presidents, including Washington, Reagan and Bush wandered sexually. “Ronald Reagan was quite a man about Hollywood.” The only problem is, he doesn’t remember!

Not my original, but one of my favorite jokes I heard Rush Limbaugh tell many years ago (WARNING for leftists — religious overtones): One day, God came down and announced the end of the world. Of course, newspaper headlines reflected this very fact the next morning. The USA Today printed big color pictures, explicit graphics, and cut-away views of a world blown to bits along with the headline, "We’re All Dead!" The New York Times printed this headline, "God Said World to End Tomorrow! See page 17A" The Wall Street Journal printed this headline, "God Has Said the World Will End Tomorrow u2014 Market To Close Early!" The Washington Post reported this headline, "God Said World to End Tomorrow u2014 Women and Minorities Hit Hardest!" [This being my own personal addition to the joke, the Detroit Free Press would say, "God Permanently Oppressing Entire World: Now We Are Certain He Is A White, European Male."]

Blame it on Cover Girl & Breyer’s — A couple of years ago, I remember a UN Development Program Report complaining that Americans spent more on cosmetics and Europeans more on ice cream annually than it would cost to provide basic education, or water and sanitation to all the world’s poor people. This report said "the world cannot arrive at an equitable distribution of goods". It advocates a world that is less unbalanced and sets different priorities. Says the program’s administrator James Speth, "Not everyone has been invited to the party." However, the UN continues its policy of sanctions in Iraq that make clean water and sanitary conditions nonexistent. A slight dilemma here?

Everyone in Iraq, including the children, have been forced into attending this “party”.

Simple fact: If we had Accountants in Washington instead of Lawyers, we wouldn’t be proclaiming a budget surplus.

Extremely overweight women should not wear extremely underweight clothes. BENCHMARKING EXAMPLE: crop tops, lycra pants, and skimpy tank tops do not look good on Roseanne Barr bodies.

Why do some guys wear sweatpants out to a nice restaurant? He wouldn’t make it past a Taco Bell dressed like that with me.

Ted Turner, on CNN recently, was crying for “a more equitable, peaceful, loving, kind, giving world”. Yet he gives millions? billions? to a government that starves, maims, imprisons, and kills people. Lovingly and peacefully, of course.

Ever notice all the “hip” magazines flaunting androgynous-looking models? That’s supposed to be sexy, when you can’t tell if it’s a guy or a gal. A 6 ft. tall, 90 lb. guy is supposed to be sexy. AAA-breasted women with tattoos, navel rings, and the above aforementioned brush-cuts are supposed to be sexy. Drooping lips and sad eyes are supposed to be sexy. Bodies that look like they are heroine-addicted are supposed to turn me on enough to want to wear the same clothes. Darn, am I just that “out of it” culturally?

Karen De Coster is a politically incorrect CPA, and an MA student in economics at Walsh College in Michigan.

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