The Secret Language of Chihuahuas

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can't pinpoint exactly just when I found so much mirth in ridiculing
feminists, but Rush Limbaugh blazed a trail for those of us who
used to cower in guilt and fear.

I began to realize openly just how silly these brainless twits were
when I encountered one who had just become hyphenated, that is to
say, married. She had one of those cumbersome 11-lettered Teutonic
names, onto which she anchored her new, equally cumbersome, Polish,
married name. She insisted everyone call her Ms Teutonic HYPHEN
Polish. We tried at first, but she soon stopped insisting when I
pointed out what a loving tribute it was to the most important men
in her life that she tack her Mother's Husband's name onto Her Husband's

Just what is it with feminists and their need to be outraged over
so-called linguistic oppression? I think it is because feminists
are actually descendants of Chihuahuas. I am going someplace with
this, so bear with me.

My newly hyphenated friend had confused gynecology with linguistics.
She honestly believed there were men out there trying to keep women
in second class roles through the medium of English. Conspiracies
to suppress the memories of women in HIStory, for example,
and metaphors referring to Mother Nature and Father Time. For Ms
Hyphen, stamping out these wildfires of linguistic chauvinism had
become her personal crusade.

I once played a good practical joke on her. I told her that I'd
just read a book with the title "Silent E: Silent No More —
The Most Abused, Oppressed and Violated Letter of the Alphabet Finally
Speaks Out!" Like all humorless morons everywhere, she swallowed
it hook, line and sinker.

She pestered me for days about letting her have this tome to read.
I caved and told her that I'd made the whole thing up, and that's
when I noticed her reaction…she looked, well, like a Chihuahua.

If you take the time and analyze the Chihuahua, you have a pretty
good idea what it takes to be your typical feminist: bulging, fearful
eyes, flaccid helpless bodies shaking with every emotion that they
possess. Fear and loathing come to mind, but not much else.

Chihuahuas are also lapdogs, and they have a REALLY annoying
yap that becomes a high-pitched howl when they get offended, which
is all the time. And while they have been known to bite, the bite
of the Chihuahua is almost impotent and futile. Left to their own
devices, they spend a lot of time on newspapers whining.

So, what to do? Feminists will never be happy until the whole damn
English language is thoroughly emasculated. I have, therefore, decided
to help the feminists out. I would like to reintroduce the Latin
feminine suffix –IX back into the language as a suitable
ending for words denoting femaleness, since English is a gender-neutral
language, something lost on these women.

The first word with the — XI ending that comes to mind is
DOMINATRIX. (Janet Reno) If you apply that ending to the
word DEMOCRAT, you get a more suitable word: DEMOCRATIX.
And with just a few more alterations…VOILA! You get DEMONATRIX!
Does this not aptly describe the Democratic Party, whips, chains
and all? If we re-examine the Republican Party in this light, we
could honestly call it party of the pussy-whipped.

I will start applying the — IX ending to as many words that
need feminine endings as I can. Let's do away with the AWFUL
Ms and start using Mrx, pronounced mistrix, and with the leftist
leanings of most feminists, you can just make out the name
Marx. Hillary Gotham Clinton is definitely a Mrx.

A waitress who will flirt with you while your wife of 25 years is
sitting at the same table would be a waitrix. Maureen O'Hara, who
is my favorite actress (Don't nobody be sayin' nothin' bad u2018bout
Miss O'Hara) is definitely an ACTRESS, implying that she's
a heck of a fine lady, too, while SKANK HO-BAG COMMUNIX Susan
Saranwrap is an ACTRIX.

I urge all of you language purists like myself, who are concerned
about the emotional well-being of feminists to begin at once to
use this improvement in your daily discourse. Please e-mail me the
new words you come up with using this fine old useful suffix, and
we will begin a new lexicon that will make EVERYBODY happy.

20, 2000

Atkins is a professional translator of French and Russian.

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