The Wizard of Is: II

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LewRockwell.com
has obtained an early treatment for a movie that Monica Lewinsky
is shopping around Hollywood. Her pitch is based on updating the
classic MGM film, The
Wizard of Oz. Last issue we presented Part
I
of her script. Part II of the treatment follows:

Monica,
having left Medialand, comes to a crossroad on the Easy Way Out.
Next to the crossroad is a field of organic corn with an old scarecrow
(played by the actor who was Al Gore in Part I) on a post.

Monica:
Oh dear! Which road should I take?

Scarecrow:
Pardon me, the road to the left is a nice way. [Monica is startled
to hear the scarecrow speak.] That would win you the support of
minorities, environmentalists, labor, and feminists. On the other
hand, it could cost you the soccer moms. Now, the road to the center
— it’s pleasant that way, too. It will win back the soccer moms,
and garner business support, but could cost you your base. And some
people seem able to follow both roads. I’ve been stuck here for
eight years trying to decide the right way to go.

Monica:
Why has it taken you so long to make up your mind?

Scarecrow:
It’s because I have no brain! My head is filled with straw.

Monica:
How can you talk if you have no brain?

Scarecrow:
I don’t know. Some people write entire books on the environment
without having a brain. [Monica nods thoughtfully.] By the way,
can you help me down?

[She
assists him off his perch.]

Monica:
What would you do, if you had a brain?

Scarecrow:
What would I do?

[Breaks
into song.]

I
could wile away the hours
Expandin’
government powers
And
talking acid rain
I
could tax your every dollar
Until
I make you holler
If
I only had a brain

[Dances
with Monica.]

I’d
be solvin’ global warmin’
Great
policies I’d be formin’
And
feelin’ all your pain

[Monica
sings:]

With
the thoughts you’d be thinkin’
You’d
remember who was Lincoln
If
you only had a brain

Monica:
Well, I’m off to Emerald City to see the Wizard of Is. He’s going
to help me get back home. Maybe he can give you a brain! Do you
want to come?

Scarecrow:
That would be wonderful!

[During
the dancing they've lost their bearings, and they head off willy-nilly
back up the road Monica had just come down.

They
wander off down a side road, and come to a swamp where they stop
to catch crawdads. They find a tin woodsman (played by the actor
who played James Carville in Part I) seized up and covered in slime.
Through his rusted lips he tells them he needs hog grease rubbed
all over him so that he's nice and oily. After they oil his jaws,
he begins a non-stop stream of talk. He tells them about growing
up poor, and how it's left him damaged.]

Monica:
Damaged? But you look& [She looks him up and down.] Well&
you don’t look sick, anyway.

Tin
Woodsman:
Listen. [Bangs on chest.] It’s hollow — no heart.

Monica:
No heart? Why, that’s terrible!

Tin
Woodsman:
You’re telling me!

[Sings.]

When
a man’s an empty fellow
He
should be kind of mellow
But
I play a rabid part
I
guess cause I’m presumin’
I
could be almost human
If
I only had a heart
I’d
stop spendin’ all my hours
Trashin’
Gennifer Flowers
And
tearing Jones apart
I’d
cooperate on the double –
Not
pay off Webster Hubble
If
I only had a heart
There’d
be no more Corporal Cueball
No
longer would I stonewall
Or
call Ken Starr a fart
I
just might get some nookie
From
my little right-wing cookie
If
I only had a heart

[Setting
off down the road together, they enter a rather mean-spirited part
of the forest. Tattered social nets hang from twisted trees. Slimy
drops of ill-gotten wealth trickle down onto the hunched backs of
the proletariat. The throbbing, shamanisitc drumbeats of voodoo
economics fill the air.]

Monica:
Do you think there are any right-wingers in this part of the forest?

Tin
Woodsman:
Oh, I imagine so.

Scarecrow
[shuddering]:
What kind of right-wingers?

Tin
Woodsman:
Oh, perhaps some paleo-cons, or populists, or free-marketers.
But mostly old lions, pro-lifers, and hawks.

All:

Lions,
pro-lifers and hawks, oh my!
Lions,
pro-lifers and hawks, oh my!
Lions,
pro-lifers and hawks, oh my!
Lions,
pro-lifers and hawks, oh my!

[A
lion, played by the actor who was Bob Dole in Part I, leaps from
behind a tree. The three friends cower in fear.]

Cowardly
Lion:
Roar. Roar. [He threatens them as they lay on the ground.]
Come on, come on, I’ll fight you with a pen in one hand! [They cower
further.] Roar. Giant tax cuts.

Tin
Woodsman:
You mangy ol’ pole-cat. Cut social spending to fund
tax giveaways for your fat cat friends, hey? Always picking on things
weaker than you are.

Cowardly
Lion:
Don’t say that! I’m terrified of people saying that!

Monica:
You’re afraid of what people might say?

Cowardly
Lion:
Cowardly Lion is afraid of a lot of things. Cowardly Lion
is afraid of his own poll numbers! Cowardly Lion is afraid of all
the urinals being taken at the public restroom. He’s so scared that
he hasn’t been able to perform properly for Mrs. Lion in months.
[Sotto voce.] In fact, I can’t even remember where my den
is located.

Monica:
I’m sure the Wizard can help you find some courage. We’re going
to see him at the Emerald City.

Cowardly
Lion:
May Cowardly Lion join you?

Scarecrow:
Sure! Let’s go.

[All
four head down the road. They eventually arrive at the Emerald City,
and, after some difficulties and a makeover from Vanity Fair,
find themselves waiting outside the Wizard's inner office.]

Monica:
Mr. Lion, what would you do if you were President of the Forest?

Cowardly
Lion:

If
I were Prez of the forest
Not
rep, not veep, not judge
All
my affairs would be private
No
Limbaugh, no Goldberg, no Drudge
I’d
command each thing in the forest
Wear
it star, wear it cross, wear it fez
And
the press would watch what it says
If
I, if I were Prez

Monica:
Mr. President, you wouldn’t be afraid of anything?

Cowardly
Lion:
Not a thing!

Scarecrow:
Not even an independent counsel?

Cowardly
Lion:
I’d give him a good trounsel!

Tin
Woodsman:
Not even a Grand jury meeting?

Cowardly
Lion:
I’d give them all a good beating!

Monica:
Not even a flashed thong?

Cowardly
Lion:
My Viagra would make me strong!

[The
man who guards the wizard's inner office opens the door and tells
them to go away. Monica begins to weep.]

Monica:
I guess, I guess now I’ll never get home to DC. I might as well
go back to Medialand, and tell them the whole sad story.

Doorman:
Now, now, there’s no need to cry! I’m sure I can get you in to see
the wizard.

[The
door to the wizard's  inner office opens, emitting clouds of
dry ice smoke. After passing down a long hall, they find themselves
in a room with a disco ball, leopard-print wallpaper, and shag carpeting.
In the far corner is a heart-shaped whirlpool. In the center is
a large waterbed, over which is a mirror. "Disco Inferno" blares
from an 8-track quadraphonic stereo. The floating torso of the wizard
appears before them. He has slicked-back hair, silk shirt open to
navel, hairy chest, gold chains.]

Wizard
of Is:
I am the potent and virile Is. Who are you?

Monica:
I am the sweet and sensuous Monica.

Wizard
of Is:
How dare you come before me! What is it you want from
Is?

Tin
Woodsman:
Well, it all started with an over-zealous special
prosecutor&

Wizard
of Is:
Quiet! Is knows what you came for! If you want my help
I’ll expect some payback.

Monica:
Payback?

Wizard
of Is:
Yes, yes& a very minor thing, really. The Wizard
wants you to bring back the cigarette lighter of the Wicked Witch
of the Really, Really, Extreme Right.

Scarecrow:
Bring back her lighter! Why, you couldn’t even pry that from her
dead fingers.

Wizard
of Is:
Go! And don’t come back without that lighter!

[Great
clouds of tax return audits rise around the Wizard. The four companions
flee the room in terror.]

End
of Part II

Stay
tuned for Part III, the conclusion of The Wizard of Is, next Monday.

August
14, 2000

Gene
Callahan is a regular contributor to mises.org,
and Stu Morgenstern is contributing editor at The
Frumious Bandersnatch.

2000, Stu Morgenstern
and Gene Callahan

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