The Wizard of Is: I

Email Print
FacebookTwitterShare

Her
deal with Jenny Craig didn't work out. The handbags aren't selling.
Her book is in the remainder rack for $1.98.

Now,
with Clinton about to leave the White House, Monica Lewinsky figures
she has just one more shot, one more shot at gaining some recompense
for her humiliation, one more chance to get out her side of the
story.

Callahan
and Morgenstern, investigative reporters for LewRockwell.com, have
been able to obtain an early treatment for a movie that Ms. Lewinsky
is apparently shopping around Hollywood. Her pitch is based on updating
the classic MGM film, The Wizard of Oz. The text of the treatment
follows:

[Young,
beautiful, and innocent, Monica Lewinsky sits alone in the bedroom
of her mother's apartment in the Watergate Hotel. With a puppy-love
stare she views a portrait of the President that hangs on her wall.
String music sounds, and Monica begins to sing.]

Monica:

 

Somewhere
I’m not a bimbo
Way
up high
There's
a man that I dream of
I
think that I gave him a tie
Somewhere
I'm not a bimbo
Friends
are true
They
don't show up with tape gear
Trying
to entrap you
If
I could wish away Ken Starr
Then
I would leave my troubles far behind me
Way
above the press so high
If
Hill can be co-Prez then why, oh why can't I?

[Monica
hears voices in the living room. She pokes her head out to see who
it is. William Ginsburg sits with James Carville and Al Gore, who
have come to find out what kind of a deal Monica would accept from
Special Prosecutor Ken Starr. Monica's mother, Marcia Lewis, sits
nearby, anxiously fidgeting.

The
doorbell rings. Monica passes through the living room and into the
entryway to get the door.]

Monica:
Oh, it's you, Senator Dole!

Dole:
Yes, yes, Bob Dole ran out of his "special" medication,
and wonders if your Uncle Bill could lend him a little of his? Libby's
waiting for me in our apartment down the hall, and without the medication…
well, you've heard about my little dysfunction.

[James
Carville looks out, and, spotting Dole, charges out into the entryway.]

Carville:
I think I found me a u2018gator in the hog yard.

Dole
[backing up]: Whoa, whoa, Bob Dole didn't come here to start trouble.
Bob Dole just wants to be able to have a little hanky-panky tonight.

Carville:
Why you son-of-a-swamp-rat! How could you make that kind of sick
joke at the expense of this poor girl?

[Carville
grabs Dole around the neck. Dole throws the pen he holds in his
right hand at Carville. He misses Carville but hits Monica, who
was attempting to break the struggle up, in the head. She swoons,
and falls unconscious to the floor.

She
has wild visions. The Watergate rises and swirls through the air.
Outside her window, two Secret Service agents pass by in a rowboat,
followed by the President of the United States in an El Camino.]

President
[shouting]: Hey, babe, let's have an improper relationship.

[Next,
a sixtyish blonde, riding on a giant cigarette.]

Wicked
Witch [hacking]: I'll get you on tape, my sweetie.

[Terrified,
Monica looks around for her dear companion, Tripp. But Tripp has
joined the witch in the sky, and is laughing along with her.

The
Watergate comes crashing down to the ground. Monica staggers out
of the building. As she looks around, she sees she is in a strange
land. Long-stalked flowers rise around her by the hundreds, their
centers glowing as if they were miniature TV sets. The trees wave
in the breeze like a forest of overhead microphones. Leaves flutter
like stray pieces of newspaper and fireflies twinkle, a hundred
flashbulbs going off. Strings swell. Monica looks up into the air.
Descending towards her is a bubble of Revlon soap. From out of it
steps a bald, middle-aged black man, wearing the 1998 Armani "Good
Witch Costume," waving his magical job offer.]

Good
Witch: I'm Vernon, the good witch of the Sensible Center. You've
just killed the wicked Whitewater probe of the Extremist Right.

Monica:
But I didn't mean to kill anybody!

Good
Witch: But look, there it is, crushed under your… [Vernon surveys
the building that has just landed] …extremely large house.

[From
behind the plants, Monica hears the sound of keyboards clattering.]

Monica:
What is that?

Good
Witch: That's the Media, and this is their land, Medialand.

[As
the Good Witch sings, the Media shyly emerges from behind the plants.]

Come
out, come out
Wherever
you are
And
meet the young lady
Who
fell on a Starr
She
fell from the sky
She
fell very far
And
Kenneth she says
Is
the name of the Starr

Media:
And Kenneth she says is the name of the Starr

Good
Witch:

She
brings you good news
Or
haven't you heard
When
she fell on the Starr
A
miracle occurred

Monica:

It
really was no miracle
What
happened was just this:
My
skirt began to hitch
My
thong – a stitch
Bill
was in the same hall
Feeling
quite an itch
Just
then – a glitch:
It
was in Bill's last twitch
Left
a stain on my dress
Reported
by a snitch

Media:
And what happened then was rich!

[The
media joyfully dances through the conglomerate-lined paths of Medialand.]

Ding-dong
the probe is dead
The
wicked probe
The
probe is dead
Ding-dong
the wicked probe is dead
It's
gone where Rose files go
Below,
below, below, hey-ho!
It's
in the trash they go
So
no one else can know
Just
what Hill knows
Ding-dong
the probe is dead
Like
Vincent Fost'r
Shot
in the head
Ding-dong
the wicked probe is dead

[Three
residents of Medialand approach Monica.]

We
represent the lobbyists' guild
The
lobbyists' guild
The
lobbyists' guild
And
in the name of the lobbyists' guild
We
wish to welcome you to media land

[Suddenly,
in a cloud of tobacco smoke, a blonde woman, the one who Monica
had seen riding on the cigarette, appears in their midst.]

Wicked
Witch: Ha, ha, hack, hack, I'm Lucianne Goldberg, the Wicked Witch
of the Really, Really Extreme Right, and I want to know who killed
my sister, the Wicked Probe of the Extreme Right.

Monica:
I didn't mean to kill the probe!

Wicked
Witch: Hack, hack, I'll make you pay for this!

Good
Witch: Aren't you forgetting something?

Wicked
Witch: Ahem, ahem, yes, the leaky, ruby-red travel mug, which could
keep my witch's brew warm through hours of listening to taped phone
calls.

[She
moves to fetch the Special Prosecutor's mug from the probe. It vanishes
as she reaches for it, and appears in Monica's hand. The Wicked
Witches tries to snatch it from her, but is repulsed.]

Good
Witch: As long as she has that mug, you can't touch her.

Wicked
Witch: Yes, I forgot the immunity the mug confers! But don't worry,
my sweetie, you haven't seen the last of me. [She vanishes in another
cloud of smoke.]

Monica:
My, but people do come and go so suddenly around here! [She looks
around, puzzled. The media have approached her, cameras flashing,
microphones shoved in her face.] But how do I get all of these people
to stop hounding me?

Good
Witch: The Wizard of Is, he alone can help you. [Aside to media:]
Of course, that all depends on how you define u2018alone.' [Media titters
appreciatively.]

Monica:
But how do I find the Wizard?

Good
Witch: Just follow the easy way out. [She points to a road that
begins just beneath their feet.]

Monica:
Follow the easy way out? But what is the easy way out?

Good
Witch: You'll have to discover that for yourself!

Media:

Follow
the easy way out
Follow
the easy way out
Follow,
follow, follow, follow
Follow
the easy way out

[Monica
skips down the road.]

Oh,
I'm off to see the Wizard
The
wonderful Wizard of Is
I
hear he is a wiz of a wiz
If
ever a wiz there tis
If
ever, if ever he's sees a Ms.
There's
going to be some monkey biz
Because,
because, because, because, because
Because
of that horny leer of his
Oh,
I'm off to see the Wizard
The
wonderful Wizard of Is

[Exeunt
omnes.]

End
of Part I

Stay
tuned for Part II, coming next Monday.

August
7, 2000

Gene
Callahan is a regular contributor to mises.org,
and Stu Morgenstern is contributing editor at The
Frumious Bandersnatch.

2000, Stu Morgenstern
and Gene Callahan

Email Print
FacebookTwitterShare
  • LRC Blog

  • Podcasts