News in Brief

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EPA
Reports Shocking Findings

In
a press conference last Tuesday, Carol Browner of the EPA reported
that hitherto unsuspected amounts of dangerous chemicals have been
discovered in the nation’s water and air.

"For
instance, we’ve discovered that the nation’s water supply is suffused
with H2O, an extremely dangerous chemical. This particular
substance is responsible for 4000 American deaths per year. It is,
in fact, more reactive than any acid."

The
EPA is demanding a new label on all water products found to contain
H2O: "Adult supervision required. Never use near
large piles of magnesium; live, unshielded electrical wires; cats;
or expensive watercolor paintings."

Browner
went on to point out that the air, as well, is more dangerous than
previously believed. "We discovered significant quantities
of O2 in air – this stuff is highly flammable, let me tell
you. Light a match in a room full of this stuff – you’re a goner."

"Also,
there are huge quantities of N2 in the air. Just a few
years ago, a worker entered an Amoco tank car, which he did not
realize was filled with N2. Dead in minutes.

"We
are also starting to suspect that N2 may be the major
cause of ‘the bends,’ not some ‘tiny bubbles,’ as many previously,
somewhat absurdly, believed."

French
in Snit over Echelon

A
French state prosecutor has launched a preliminary judicial investigation
into the workings of the United States’ Echelon spy system of
satellites and listening posts, the prosecutor’s office said Tuesday.

Rumors
of industrial espionage by the Cold-War-inspired system sparked
an attack on a McDonald’s restaurant last year where angry peasants
showed their disgust by taunting McDonald’s customers for their
bourgeois sympathies.

This
contretemps follows in the wake of a recent French boycott
of hormone-laden beef from America, which was immediately countered
by an American tariff on "malodorous" French cheeses.

The
town of Testicule, France, whose citizens hold the Guinness record
for "smelliest cheese festival," responded to that tariff,
doubling the price of Coca-Cola by slapping on a 10 franc tax
on each bottle in protest. "Now the pourceaux have
to drink that French soda that they detested. This will teach
the little vermine," said the mayor of Testicule,
Jean-Phillipe Alin, in reference to the children of his town.
"As Proust would have said, ‘J’ai une grenouille dans
mon bidet!’"

Echelon,
based on alien technology taken from flying saucers stored at
Area 51, can intercept millions of telephone, fax, and e-mail
messages, and is thought to be responsible for those annoying
calls you get where no one is on the other end. Washington has
been accused of using it for economic espionage against its allies,
a charge that makes it snicker and look evasive.

Coincidentally,
the European Parliament is due to decide in Strasbourg Wednesday
whether to set up a commission to investigate whether Echelon
infringes on the rights of European citizens to be invaded by
the forces of a new "Caesar-wanna-be" every few decades.

In
the event that none of these measures counters the threat of Echelon,
the French government is also said to be drawing up the terms
of their surrender, and their application to become the 51st
state in the Union.

Bradley
Called Upon to Make Gore Seem Lively by Comparison

This
week, Al Gore’s campaign announced that the Vice President will
be appearing with former rival Bill Bradley to enlist Bradley’s
support of Gore’s candidacy for President.

A
major question about the event was answered when the Bradley camp
told reporters that he would, in fact, use a term that he had,
so far, refrained from employing in the context of the Gore campaign.

"Yes,
he will use the word ‘communitarianism,’" Bradley spokeswomen
Anita Dunn told reporters on Friday. "He knows it’s come
in for a lot of criticism lately, but, gosh darn it, when Bill
says ‘communitarianism’ he means ‘communitarianism.’"

Gore
claims to have invented communitarianism and will make it his
number one campaign issue as soon as he can recover the e-mail
where he first defined the concept.

Democratic
officials in Washington praised Gore’s move on Friday, saying
that Bradley’s presence will act to "soothe a restive populace
that has grown resistant to its rightful leaders."

Bradley
has the distinction of being the only human being to win an NBA
championship, be elected to the U.S. Senate, and go without blinking
for over six hours.

The
Gore campaign selected Tire
Iron, Minnesota home of the world’s third largest ball of twine
,
for the endorsement. Bradley has visited Minnesota many times
and has found it to be an intoxicating and exotic land. Bradley
has also emphatically stated, on several occasions, that he believes
Bronko Nagurski was the greatest football player that ever lived.

July
10, 2000

2000, Stu Morgenstern
and Gene Callahan

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