Federal Agents Seize, Confine Edmonds Man

EDMONDS, Wash. (AP) – In an unprecedented action, federal agents today placed under strict quarantine a man suspected of harboring buckine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE), or "mad Okie disease." A task force composed of agents from the FBI, DEA, BATF, and the Office of Child Support Enforcement, backed by the Army, Navy, Air Force, and the Fish and Wildlife Service, took into custody without incident Edmonds resident Robert (Buck) Higgs at his modest home on a quiet street in this tranquil town.

Task force spokeswoman Norma Rule told reporters that the operation had been a complete success. "This mission has placed a tremendous strain on everyone involved during the months of arduous preparation and training, and we just thank God that no one was hurt. The potential for catastrophe was immense. Even one mad Okie on the loose could wreak incalculable damage. Pretty soon every redneck in the county would be falling behind on apartment rent and car payments."

At a carefully choreographed press conference, Miss Rule said that this part of the country had been free of mad Okie disease for more than twenty years, and children born to displaced Okies, many of whom live in nearby Lynnwood, have no natural immunity and might easily have become infected during one of Higgs's periodic trips to that city's Alderwood Mall. "Heaven forbid," said Rule. "Those kids are already smoking, drinking, and sniffing glue. Once infected with BSE, they would stop changing their underwear and applying deodorant." Although the task force expects to continue mopping-up operations for several years, she said the government now has the problem well in hand, and she saw no need for panic at this time.

Higgs was placed in a sealed BATF vehicle and escorted by the 439th Ranger Battalion to a FEMA facility in Bothell, Washington, which formerly served as an nuclear-bomb-proof command center for federal officials in the Puget Sound region. There he was placed under 24-hour surveillance and denied access to low introductory rates on credit cards and to advertisements by Oriental rug dealers promising last-time-ever good deals during their annual going-out-of-business sale. In conformity with President George W. (Shrub) Bush's policy of compassionate conservatism, Higgs was allowed to keep his Sears card on the condition that he not purchase too many things he didn't really need.

Shortly after his confinement, Higgs began shouting, "Free the Microsoft six million, Free the Microsoft six million." To quiet him, the warden promised that corn bread and pinto beans with little bits of ham would be served for supper, but Higgs persisted in his protestations, vigorously waving a pocket-size copy of the U.S. Constitution that he carries at all times. Some reporters at the scene thought they heard the Assistant U.S. Attorney reply, "That's nothing but a parchment barrier, chump."

How many others might have contracted the disease was not known at the time of Higgs's quarantine. In an effort to determine whether the infection has spread, Labor Department personnel will closely monitor the frequency of Monday absences at area workplaces. "We'll also keep a close watch on new filings for disability benefits," said Vince Abel of the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Other officials promised that in the wake of any widespread outbreak, the federal government would immediately bring in "as many grief counselors as the situation warrants."

At the FEMA confinement facility, Higgs vowed that he would continue to demand respect for his Fourth and Fifth Amendment rights, and he reserved the option to invoke even more amendments up to and including the Twenty-First, if need be. He has appealed for support from the ACLU and from the Displaced Okies Protection Effectuation Society (DOPES). Several left-wing organizations, however, favored confining him indefinitely. Mandy Haeter, a spokeswoman for NOW, said that if Higgs were released he would pose an unacceptable threat to women who wear short skirts and too much makeup. Whalen Nutt, a Greenpeace spokesman, publicly stated, "We have no problem with the extinction of the Okie species. The sooner they die out, the sooner subjects and verbs will agree."

March 27, 2000

Robert Higgs is the editor of The Independent Review.