by Timothy J. Wheeler
Boris Yeltsin resigned but Bill Clinton didn’t take the hint. In the very week that Yeltsin did and Clinton didn’t, The Hon. Mr. Mgabhi Dlamini, speaker of the House of Assembly in Swaziland and a leading candidate to become prime minister, was asked to step down after being caught gathering cow dung in King Mswathi III’s corral. Royal cow dung is thought in those parts to be imbued with special powers and is used for witchcraft, not unlike the functions of the media in this country. Mrs. Clinton moved out of the White House, or at least said that she would as soon as she could get her papers shredded and bagged. After New Year’s dinner, a glitzy array of Clintonite guests celebrated with drinks and dancing-and for some, with sex in a room off the Rose Garden, according to a disgusted Secret Service agent who walked in on them. But you see, to these people, that’s what the White House is FOR, and specifically at your expense. "What I am looking for is people with spark, a way of looking at the world that can encourage clarity, freshness, and different perspective," said Oakland Mayor Jerry Brown (yes, the former Gov. Moonbeam). Whereupon he nominated a tattoo artist to serve on the city’s Cultural Arts Commission. Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura, on the other hand, seems more in touch with people with sparkplug. Interviewed by Playboy (part 2), Ventura said he would get rid of the National Endowment for the Arts and took the view that struggling young artists should support themselves by waiting on tables. If the government subsidizes them, it should subsidize stock-car racers too, he said. The proprietors of the Warrawong shopping center in New South Wales, Australia have discovered that Bing Crosby music is great for pest control. Der Bingle’s 1938 hit, "My Heart Is Taking Lessons," played loudly and often, drives teenage mall cruisers clean off the premises.
"The FDA inspects cheese pizzas, while the USDA inspects pepperoni pizzas. Hot dogs in a roll are inspected by the FDA, while hot dogs in a pastry are inspected by the USDA." ~ Rep. C.W. "Bill" Young, (R-FL)
January 19, 2000 Timothy J. Wheeler, long a prominent figure in the conservative movement, writes from Wisconsin.
