United States Central Command in Qatar recently issued their roadmap for the future of Iraq. The document is very entertaining, and would almost make the whole war thing worthwhile, if it weren’t for all those people who had to get in the way of our rockets and stuff.
Here are Central Command’s "Thirteen Points," followed by my exegesis:
1. Iraq must be democratic.
Whether it wants to be or not!
2. The future government of Iraq should not be based on communal identity.
So, Abdul, you can vote, but don’t try voting based on communal identity.
3. A future government should be organized as a democratic federal system, but on the basis of countrywide consultation.
4. The rule of law must be paramount.
And the legislature must be MGM.
5. That Iraq must be built on respect for diversity including respect for the role of women.
So don’t try voting against "respect for diversity." And make sure to fund women’s soccer teams.
6. The meeting discussed the role of religion in state and society.
Isn’t that nice? It’s good the lads had something to do to pass the time.
7. The meeting discussed the principle that Iraqis must choose their leaders, not have them imposed from outside.
Unless, of course, they try to choose someone based on communal identity, or someone who doesn’t respect diversity, or has the wrong view on the role of religion.
8. That political violence must be rejected, and that Iraqis must immediately organize themselves for the task of reconstruction at both the local and national levels.
"Must"? But wait, what was that about "not being imposed from outside"? Oh, never mind.
9. That Iraqis and the coalition must work together to tackle the immediate issues of restoring security and basic services.
Like security from foreign invasion? It’s true that the last government didn’t do so well at that. Maybe the new one needs some nukes or weaponized smallpox or something. We have extra – maybe we can give them some of ours!
10. That the Baath Party must be dissolved and its effects on society must be eliminated.
Oh, yeah, and don’t try voting for the Baath Party, either.
11. That there should be an open dialogue with all national political groups to bring them into the process.
Except, of course, for the Baath Party, and those groups that don’t respect diversity, and those groups based on communal identity, and those that don’t support women’s soccer….
12. That the meeting condemns the looting that has taken place and the destruction of documents.
And how about the destruction of men, women, and children by bombs?
13. The Iraqi participation in the Nasiriya meeting voted that there should be another meeting in 10 days in a location to be determined with additional Iraqi participants and to discuss procedures for developing an Iraqi interim authority.
Well, at least we have something to look forward to next week!
April 18, 2003