Before I begin, I must thank Bob Murphy for daring to cross David Friedman. Being nothing more than a lowly mother, although I have many times silently cursed Mr. Friedman’s infuriating and sometimes downright silly statements, I could never hope to effectively question his genius. Mr. Murphy has both inspired me and given me cover.
I must challenge both Mr. Murphy and Mr. Friedman on the nature and origin of temper. I am a first class, bonafide wimpy parent. Send my daughter to bed without dessert — never. Take away computer time from my son — you must be joking. I have never spanked them or taken away any of their possessions. In fact, my husband and I neither punish our children nor bribe them with rewards.
Yet I have never had the misfortune of dealing with a temper tantrum in public, and only a few times had to deal with a temper tantrum in private. And if the truth be known, I come from a family of wimpy parents sans temper tantrums. My parents had nine children who never embarrassed them in this fashion either. Lest you think that I have incorrigibles, think again. I am regularly and universally complemented on the maturity and good manners of my children.
Unlike Mr. Friedman, I don’t look upon my family life as an "us against them" struggle. Like the free market where there are no win-lose exchanges, mutually beneficial interactions dominate. When my children want something, they ask and I say yes or no and tell them why. If necessary, we may discuss further and reach a compromise. They know from long experience that I am fair, have superior knowledge and wisdom, have their best interest at heart and they completely trust me. In addition, they know that when I have made a final decision there is no turning back and all the whining and moaning will do absolutely no good. Amazingly enough, Mr. Friedman, not only have a never given into a child’s threats, I have never been threatened.
The temper tantrums I have witnessed had nothing to do with me being manipulated by a conniving brat. Children often want to do things themselves that are beyond their capabilities and the resulting frustration can lead to a tantrum. Also, over-stimulation of a tired child can lead to a breakdown. These situations are certainly unwelcome but do not signal any defect in the child.
Children’s manipulative behavior has little to do with a mythical brat gene, or with not being tough enough. Being boss will not avoid bad behavior. Having well-mannered children has everything to do with the your attitude toward your children and toward parenting itself. Accept your children as full-fledged human beings, with valid needs and concerns, just like you. Love not only your children, love and whole heartedly accept being a parent. The tantrums will surely disappear.
Cathy Cuthbert is a wife, mother and homeschool advocate living in California. She is the editor of The School Liberator produced by the Alliance for the Separation of School and State, and the owner of the forthcoming — really — deschooling.org website.
March 17, 2001
Cathy Cuthbert is a wife, mother and homeschool advocate living in California. She is the editor of The School Liberator produced by the Alliance for the Separation of School and State, and the owner of the forthcoming — really — deschooling.org website.
